I feel like many of my non-C-U-Next-Tuesday posts are picking up the flavor of that very special, grumpy day. I'll try to limit my crabbiness to Tuesdays only.
Today's C-U-Next-Tuesday (which is being posted on Friday because I'm kind of a flake) is more of a kvetch, a gentle-but-honest tease. (That sounds kind of hot, right?)
P-hubby's Rules for Housekeeping and General Tidiness
Part 1: Socks
1. New socks: Congratulations! You have thrown away socks missing toes and heels. This means your wife has purchased new socks for you and will stop bitching at you for behaving like a pauper.
a. It's best to organize new socks immediately. This step is particularly important. Wifey brought shopping bags into the kitchen. Quick quiz: Do socks belong in the kitchen?
No.
That's right! Socks do not belong in the kitchen. You're a fast learner! Take socks out of shopping bag, walk 10 feet into the hallway and toss new socks haphazardly onto the desk.
b. When pair of socks is needed (the next morning), rip open sticky paper sleeve, remove one pair of socks from tiny plastic hanger. Place remaining socks, with sticky paper sleeve still attached, on top of the printer/scanner/fax machine to remind yourself to take the socks upstairs later because socks
do not belong on the desk.
c. Remove tiny metal clasp from toe of new socks. Do not throw it in rubbish bin next to desk. Instead, keep all sock waste together by attaching tiny metal clasp to the open sticky plastic wrapper on the sock package.
d. As your new sock supply is depleted, clean socks will magically appear in the sock organizer in your top drawer. Do not use these. You still have new socks downstairs on the printer/scanner/fax machine!
e. When one pair of new socks is left in package, take them upstairs. Later, with confidence and a smidgen of swagger, tell Wifey that the socks she bought you are no longer on the desk downstairs. When she asks if they are in your drawer, continue to smile even though that winky twinkle has vanished from your eye, to be replaced with slight panic and a healthy dose of bewilderment. When she asks you if you threw away the packaging, regain your confidence and say, "I put it all on top of my dresser, so I can sort that out in the morning." Ignore that she's nodding just to placate you.
She's so smug.
f. Next morning, when you are dressing for work, ignore last pair of new socks in packaging on top of dresser. Remove magically clean socks from magically organized sock drawer. Repeat this thrice. On fourth day, suck it up, wear new socks and leave empty packaging on top of dresser, four steps from the rubbish bin.
Once new socks have been incorporated into wardrobe, the following rules should be followed:
2. Wear white socks underneath dark dress socks. At end of day, remove socks together, snap them
hard to straighten them out and release any sexy stench contained within them.
(The ladies will go wild.)
3. Do not,
under any circumstances, pull the white socks out of the dark socks. Separating lights from darks is a job for the
laundry bitch.
4. When laundry bitch does not remove inner white sock from outer dark sock, start to whine about moist white sock ball at toe-end of dry dark sock. Quickly remember that laundry bitch is easily provoked when it comes to laundry complaints and that you expect lots of praise the three times a year you help her. Smile at her, remove moist white sock, toss both socks into the drier and continue with your morning routine.
5. If you cannot find matching socks at 5:30 a.m. and Wifey has a meeting that will run until close to midnight, wake her up to ask if she has seen any of your dark socks. If you have infant twins who get up two to three times a night, repeat this process daily. Eventually, Wifey will throw away all of your socks and buy all one style of black socks, all one style of brown socks, and all one style of white socks. She will buy you a sock organizer with three divisions, one for each color. She will tell you to wake her never again to find out where your socks are.
Somebody sure isn't a morning person, eh?
6. At end of day, after snapping socks straight, do not attempt to gently toss them 3-and-a-half feet into the laundry basket Wifey placed on your side of the room as some sort of encouragement and/or hint. Just leave them next to the bed. Who knows when you might need them in the middle of the night?
Alternatively, remove socks while sitting in reclining wing chair in living room. Wifey loves to think of you during the day, and she will love finding this surprise gesture of love while you are out of the house.
7. Continue use of all socks until they are threadbare and toes and heels are mostly visible. Wifey will throw them away and buy you new socks, in the same exact style of the socks she previously bought you.
