Emeril Lagasse
I'm checking out "Emeril Live" today (kids are with the grands), and he's throwing down some serious yum.
The episode is titled "Stuff It." Wine and mascarpone are being thrown around like a nerd's lunch bag on the bus.
I'm hungry, and I'm getting a little turned on by the idea of crab-stuffed portobellos. I mean, wow, they look delicious.
So then Emeril, who is my boy and is loved, finishes the dish and wipes his hands. He says very carefully and slowly that he must wash his hands, of course, because he just ... touched ... a ... mushroom.
- pause -
*confused giggle from audience member*
- pause -
*Emeril slaps his hand and gives the naughty face*
I'm not even going to explain this.
Sandra Lee
Sandy, your food sucks, and your tablescapes are ridic. Stop making money. Now.
If I ever again have to look at your makeup-caked face and your jacked-up boobs in a salmon-color shirt, next to a salmon-color KitchenAid mixer, drinking a salmon-color cocktail, putting sherbet on a piece of pre-cooked salmon and calling it "dinner," I'm going to come to the Food Network studio and spray paint your stupid fucking tablescape purple.
Tables are for food, dishes, utensils and maybe a sweet centerpiece or a few candles.
They are not intended for drunk, overgrown sorority girls to use for their twisted preschool toy fantasies. Most of us stopped daydreaming of having tea parties with seahorses atop tables made of rainbows when we were 5.
Of course, most of us don't drink our nutrients with straight vodka in a menopausal last-ditch effort to recapture the dreams of our broken childhoods.
You are the Glenn Beck of the Food Network. Seek help.
Paula Deen
The ingredients in this recipe explain why I love you.
In my opinion, you have the best breasts of any Food Network star. They're plump and ample and I imagine them to smell like maple syrup and bacon.
They make me want to hug you after I've had a tough day on the playground. And then you'll feed me bacon-wrapped cookies, and I'll color for a little while.
OK, maybe I do have some twisted preschool fantasies. I'm still far more stable than Sandra Lee.
Giada De Laurentis
Please don't bite me.
GUSTAVO CABALLERO / GETTY IMAGES
I am so unbelievably disappointed that you didn't cover Rachel Ray...I sure as fuck have... I've pretty much damned her to eternity in purgatory...
ReplyDeleteDespite this, I have to say that you are impressing me more every time I read your stuff... intriguing!
Oh, Rachel Ray has a special place in Hell, I'm sure. She was the first Food Network Star I hated.
ReplyDeleteShe's kind of her own humor, though. I would just be bitching about how she says "EVOO" but then explains EVERY TIME exactly what it stands for. Drives. Me. Crazy.
I can't even watch her.
I love compliments. Pretty much everyone who gives me one gets a free make-out session, completely transferable for re-gifting to spouses and grandparents.
I'm off to go find your Rachel Ray posts.
I want to talk about what drugs Emeril takes so I can have some, too. And how I think Giada has an eating disorder because no one who makes a job out of Italian food should be a size 00. And Paula Deen is the most amazing thing to happen in my life. Ham+Cheese+Banana= Genius. Also, Alton Brown needs a soak in some Palmolive and a nap. Bitch looks dingy and beat.
ReplyDeleteI definitely have a lot more to say about food network stars. Perhaps I'll make it a running feature. Or perhaps I'll think about it for a little while, make some popcorn, check my e-mail, write an article, and then be too tired to do laundry.
ReplyDeletehaha. i hate the food network. period. it gets on my nerves.
ReplyDeleteLook how I just clicked on one of those "other stuff not worth reading" and I'm reading it!
ReplyDeleteThis is why I love Paula Deen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4geygcallw
Sandra Lee, we call her the alcoholic chef, can you imagine being her friend? You're all, hey I just need to swing by and drop off the book i borrowed, be there in 5 minutes. And you come in and she's got a full tablescape and she's all 'COCKTAIL????' with her crazy eyes.
I just found your blog today via a comment you left for The Bloggess. Love it!! I've read several posts but decided to comment here because the comment box was up.
ReplyDeleteDon't bother going to look at my blog if the link comes up. I haven't written in a long time and it's all about dogs anyway. And I'm getting divorced, but promised soon-to-be ex that I wouldn't blog about it. I need an "anonymous" blog. Note to self... ah... whatever.
While I watch a little Food Network, I can't stand the "personalities" for the most part. If you haven't been to foodnetworkhumor.com, you might find it amusing.
ReplyDelete"Wine and mascarpone are being thrown around like a nerd's lunch bag on the bus."
ReplyDeleteMark Twain would tongue kiss you if he could...