Know that when readers ask, I deliver.
Scene: Kitchen. Water color paintings drying on the counter. Sarah P is dumping murky water, cleaning paint brushes, telling children to go wash up for dinner.
PHubby examines the artwork. He focuses on one piece of paper and then holds it up.
Me: Hmmmm?
*pause*
Me: Oh. That! Um. It's just, um ... I was painting water colors with the kids!
PHubby: Right. Picked up on that. What I mean is, what IS this?
Me: It's uuuuhhhhhmm ... Cousin It!
PHubby: *glares knowingly*
Me: Fine. You know what it is.
PHubby: Sarah! The kids!
Me: They didn't know what it was! Plus, it's all Georgia O'Keefey and representative, not literal.
PHubby: Yeah. I can see that.
Me: What do you mean by that?
PHubby: It doesn't have a bottom.
Me: So?
PHubby: *slowly turning it sideways* It kind of looks like a ghost. Casper.
Me: *grumpy face*
PHubby: *slowly turning it sideways* It kind of looks like a ghost. Casper.
Me: *grumpy face*
PHubby: And, why is there a blue streak?
Me: The blue represents the sadness women endured before the suffragettes because they couldn't vote. Because they had vaginas? It's a metaphor.
PHubby: *cocks an eyebrow*
Me: OK. Fine. I had to use it to cover the yellow streak.
PHubby: *eyebrow goes higher*
Me: At first, the yellow streak seemed like a stroke of creative genius, but it looked a little too much like pee and I didn't want to have to answer questions about it from readers who thought I was trying to be gross because sometimes I am, but this time I'm not and also some people don't appreciate art in the grown-up, mature way that I do. *proud face* I very rarely giggle at nude statues, you know.
PHubby: Right. OK, then. *starts to put paper down* Wait. *picks it up* Are those ... ears?!
Me: Horns.
PHubby: Horns. *nodding* Horns?
Me: It wasn't turning out how I envisioned, so I decided to make it into a face. But it looked more like a monster. So I gave it horns.
PHubby: *quizical* *turns paper and cocks head to appreciate it from different angles*
Me: It's just-! Leave it. It's not important. The colors ran, and it didn't look like a monster anymore. And then I thought it could probably pass for a vagina, and I promised it by way of a poll. Now I have to follow through.
PHubby: I don't think this counts.
Me: *glares*
PHubby: I'm just saying it looks nothing like your vagina.
Me: *still glaring*
PHubby: Consider that a compliment.
Me: *snatches paper* Maybe you just don't understand art.
You're awesome. Gross? Yes. But that just makes you even more awesomer. And that is the most vagina-y looking water colour painting of a vagina I've ever seen.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I have one, maybe I just don't understand vaginas. =/
ReplyDeleteLorraine.
Jen - THANK you.
ReplyDeleteLorraine - Word. *fist bump*
Maybe it's a giant vagina with little legs? Look at it upside down.
ReplyDeleteI SMELL A NEW HEADER!!
ReplyDeleteWait -- smell wasn't the right word.
Lorraine: Turns head to side to see giant vagina with little legs.
ReplyDeleteBoss: What are you DOING?
Lorraine: Appreciating art?
Sigh.
Men. They just don't get art. Or vaginas. Must we know everything?
ReplyDeleteHow come my vagina doesn't come with handles?
ReplyDelete"The blue represents the sadness women endured before the suffragettes because they couldn't vote. Because they had vaginas? It's a metaphor." Best. Line. Ever.
ReplyDeleteYour vagina is very colorful. Like a one vagina gay pride parade. With horns.
BEST FRIGGING POST on the net today! I seriously have tears, TEARS!
ReplyDelete"The blue represents the sadness women endured before the suffragettes because they couldn't vote. Because they had vaginas? It's a metaphor."
You are a genius, and that is why I love you.
Oh and also because you did a freaking watercolor painting of a vagina. A vagina! And all because I helped vote!
You.Are.Awesome.
Please note, it's not because I have an unhealthy obsession with vaginas, I think I just have an unhealthy obsession with you. Is that okay?
ReplyDeleteI took a picture of mine and I didn't see any blue. :(
ReplyDeleteWhere are the teeth?
ReplyDeleteI interpret the blue streak as a tasteful application of eyeliner.
ReplyDeleteWow. I never heard of pee or vagina in watercolor. But you made it happen. You should be very proud.
ReplyDeleteBest. Watercolor. Ever! I think the blue streak gives it that extra-artsy flair. Makes it *more* than just a vagina with horns.
ReplyDeleteRandom - See?! You found even more symbolism. The vagina feels upside-down in a right-side-up world and is trying to "run" from the penis-having establishment.
ReplyDeleteAmanda - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Awesome.
R&L - *sorry*
Courtney - Right!?
Spanky - Handles. OK. I sense another metaphor ...
andygirl - *blushes* It is breathtaking, if I say so myself.
Brianne - Thanks! Also, I think you might be healthier than I am, because, if this blog is any indication, I'm starting to worry I'm obsessed with vaginas.
Jules - You have to take Dirty Pants off to see the blue, and no one would ever recommend you remove Dirty Pants.
BugginWord - Hm. Perhaps, if we're going with the feminist symbolism, the teeth are missing because women aren't aggressors ... or perhaps the colors ran when I was trying to turn it into a monster and I gave up. You pick.
dogimo - Thank you for noticing how classy this is.
Tara - Yeah. Proud.
Bad Asian - "*more* than just a vagina with horns." New tag line? Maybe.
steff - I should probably set up an etsy store for my vagina water colors, right? I'm afraid I might be unappreciated in my time, though.
your vagina is horny. hahahaha! get it? horns? you totes kick georgia's ass in vaginas.
ReplyDeleteHmm. If that's a vagina, it's wearing a pink wig and it has a beaky sort of nose.
ReplyDeleteExcellent.
That is a monster....that is a scary vagoo. If it really looked like that you would still be a virgin...or a stripper. Maybe after kids? Sorry, I couldn't help myself.
ReplyDeletemylittlebecky - Agreed. And hahahaha!
ReplyDeleteotherworldlyone - See? Some people see beauty!
mepsipax - Vagoo. Rhymes with Ragu?
This is too funny! Just discovered your blog from MODG!! I am now following!
ReplyDeleteI didn't know that was allowed when you're a parent. Maybe I'm all turned around on the having kids thing!
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure I saw something exactly like this the last time I was at the Georgia O'Keefe museum in Santa Fe.
That would be super if you'd like to do a guest blogger post! Just write about whatever you'd like, with some info on who you are and your blog, and email it to me at lambaround@gmail.com. An archived post would be fine. I'll post it with a link to your site, which will hopefully bring some new readers your way.
Your vagina painting kinda looks like how I used to imagine the monster who brought Easter candy looked like.
ReplyDelete"Snatches paper" is right! You snatched that paper all up.
ReplyDeleteMrsDixon - Hi! Thanks, and likewise!
ReplyDeleteLambAround - OK. I'll think of something not involving genitalia. Just for you.
Bridget Callahan - You had an Easter Monster?
Steamy - *rim job* Wait. I mean *rim shot*. Yeah. Rim shot.