It's my birthday

Today is my birthday, and I feel this is a good time to let you know I have received 17 cents toward a Nikon.

By "received," I mean "found among goldfish crumbs, tiny pieces of old gum and a couple of hair elastics in the bottom of my old purse."

I guess people would rather donate toward implants for a flat-chested girl. I kind of wish they'd feed starving children or save the rainforest, but whatevs. I'm cool with it ...

as long as NANCY GRACE wishes me a happy birthday tonight!

OMG! OMG! It could happen! Phubby requested it because he's the awesomest! Producers said they'd totally take care of it because I'm, like, Nancy's #1 fan, or maybe they said they'd do what they could because they get a lot of requests, but ZOMG it could happen!

Reasons I love Nancy Grace:

1. Best. sneer. ever.

2. She hates murderous moms; I hate murderous moms. (Incidentally, I might spend a teensy bit too much time with the crazies on a true crime forum.)

3. She has boy/girl twins. I have boy/girl twins.

4. Her daughter and my daughter have the same first name. OMG. I know!

5. Shiny shirts. I never knew there were so many choices in shiny blouses until I started watching Nancy. It's like Nancy's wardrobe consultant is all, "I can't decide if you're a winter or an autumn. You know what? Screw it. You, dear, look FAB in sheen. Throw on a few strands of Wilma Flintstone beads, and you. will. be. on. fire." Then all the production assistants are all on the walkie-talkies, screech-whispering, "Shiny shirts. Button down. We need every color and collar style available. NOW!"

6. Her hair does not fucking move. And you know why it doesn't move? Because Nancy Grace told it not to. Some people wear Superman jammies. I heard Superman wears Chuck Norris jammies. Chuck Norris? Sporting Nancy Grace Helmet Hair jammies.

7. The crying, the relating every headline somehow to her twins (Lucy and John David).

Seriously, I'm sitting here, suffering through 40 minutes of Tiger Woods coverage. (I don't give a fuck if his wife isn't wearing her wedding ring. It's not news. It just means she isn't completely devoid of self esteem.)



Zah-WOW! Nancy just wondered aloud on her show why Tiger's mistresses don't shut their "pie holes."

OK. That's it. Just waiting to see what Nance will do. I just wish I had one of those crazyfan pictures of me in a shiny shirt making out with my TV while Nancy is on. She'd totally wish me a happy b-day for that.

UPDATE: OK! She hasn't wished me a happy birthday (yet), BUT, she wished a happy birthday to her mom! I share a birthday with the woman whose womb held tiny baby Nancy Grace in its wet warmness.

UPDATE #2: Who the FUCK is Rachel? She already got a photo with Nancy. Now she gets a shout-out!?

UPDATE #3: Consolation prize! Phubby told me he requested an autographed photo of Nance! I'm framing it and putting it with the family photos in the foyer. Watch me. The mail will be so exciting this week.