It's Friday. I feel like good bloggers come up with catchy phrases for the days of the week. Wordless Wednesday, Thirsty Thursday, Freebie Friday, Snatchy Sunday. Stuff like that.
I'm not a good blogger. Frankly*.
So here's some stuff I've been thinking:
If you notice that someone in Maryland has been reading your blog about 14 times more than usual, it's me. Not that you read my blog, but in case you are because you're worried I'm an axe murderer - rest assured, I'm not. (That was a terrible sentence.)
It's just that all the more successful bloggers are at Blog World Expo, and I have nothing to fucking reeeeead (other than your totally awesome and completely underrated blogs that I like to think I discovered, even though I have absolutely no power in this world and can't help you get anywhere on your talent, humor or good looks. Sorry.) Oh, and books and newspapers and magazines.
The point: I'm only stalking you now because my other fave bloggers are not blogging. That makes you my default faves. Fuck them. They're not providing for me. Enjoy the extra hits.
I went to the home improvement store last night and looked at power tools for a long time.
Approximate size of my testicles before window shopping for electric saws: 8
Approximate size of my testicles upon leaving the store: OO
I scaled them down quite a bit to save bandwidth.
Do you even have any clue the kinds of attachments I could get for my power drill? I could get buffing pads. I could make my ass shine like a giant beige Christmas bulb.
I've been thinking a lot about mandatory sex parties and rapier wit. I think "rapier," like "frankly," should mean something it doesn't. Instead of referring to a knife or sharpness, it should be used to decide how rapey, say, an inmate is. As in, "Big Frank sure likes rape, but Shanky Steve is waaay rapier."
But I think it should only be used to describe inmates who rape each other, and only the really bad inmates who deserve to be in jail because they murdered someone or ate kittens or something. It shouldn't be used to describe just anyone, because there's nothing jovial about rape.
I'm also opposed to its use on criminals who don't matter, say on a low-level pot dealer. He doesn't deserve it. The rape or the title.
*"Frankly" should be used to describe someone who's all wrinkled, but in that cool way, where there are lots of wrinkles and the skin's all paper-thin and the person is super old but really hilarious and inappropriate. As in, That old lady is so frankly.
Am I going to Hell?
Edit: Maybe a better example would be, That old bitch on the snowboard must be 86, but she has some bitchin' maneuvers. She's frankly.
I JUST BLOGGED THIS MORNING!
ReplyDeleteYou crack me up, by the P.S.
And yes, I did know about all the attachments. Because Andrew has them ALL. He even brought some of them camping last weekend, like ya do. And yet, there is still a gaping hole in my drywall in the kitchen.
Sigh.
There's, like, a wall of awesome attachments at Le Lowe's. Did you use the drill to stir your campfire coffee?
ReplyDeleteNo, you're not going to Hell. They have standards, and wouldn't let riff raff like you in.
ReplyDeleteHaha! You are weird. Yeah, I have a hard time coming up with witty titles too. Maybe there should be a class.
ReplyDeleteI happen to think Update-O-Rama is pretty nifty.
ReplyDeleteI was going to post a photo of Suri Cruise with every post I write, but I found out someone already does that. There's no originality on the internet anymore!
Someone. Already. Does. That?
ReplyDeleteI needed that. Yay power drill attachments!
ReplyDeleteAnd "rapier"? I totally think we should start that shit. For example, I am way more rapier in the vicinity of Brett Favre.
And by the way? I will never go all "food-that-looks-like-vomit-with -grapes-on-it bitchy" on your ass. I am more like "I eat food that looks like pasta - probably because it is pasta and I am cripplingly nice." So there's that.
Oh, and funny story. I tried to click on your ad, the "Acumen Fund" one and I realized it was just a PSA and I had clicked for nothing because a) I didn't get to purchase an Acumen Fund (whatever that is) with all of my new ad revenue and b) my clicking probably wasn't even profitable for you.
Shit.
But guess what I just thought of right now? What if ad revenue was like a debit card where you could use it to spend on purchasing stuff from other ads (like Acumen Funds) without having to wait to get a check in the mail. That idea is not nearly as awesome as I thought it would be and I would probably go broke real fast because, as I have mentioned, I am impulsive.
One more thing - you are lucky because I almost never leave town for any reason. I sit right here on my couch and blog and comment and tweet until Boyfriend gets home. And then we go running and then I continue blogging until Boyfriend gets all pouty and says "YOU DON'T EVEN LOVE ME ANYMORE DO YOU????" And I say "this is my job now, Asshole - don't ruin it for me because I really like it." And that usually shuts him up but he keeps pouting until I put the computer away. What I am trying to say is that I will most likely always be here and I sacrifice for you guys every day. Okay, maybe not, because I really like doing this, but it kind of sacrifice-y.
Am I still drunk? Maybe...