(I know I sound douchey. I think the yoga pants and green tea did it.)
Reflections
* For a while, I thought I was Bohemian, but turns out I was just a moody slob.
* Does anyone else feel really pornographic when they eat Cadbury Creme Eggs? I'm almost embarrassed to eat them in public. All it would take is a raised eyebrow and glance at a stranger to give some strange signals.
* I thought teaching my kids the appropriate terminology for their genitalia was the mature thing to do.
I even taught my daughter the term "vulva" instead of "vagina," because I want her to be empowered by knowing the right names for her junk. We'll introduce the term "vagina" when she becomes aware that she even has one.
Anyway, I was wrong. I wish I'd taught them cute little nicknames.
They made up this game in which they say to each other, "Look at THAT BUTT!" They think it's hilarious. Much giggling is involved.
But, the game evolved into "Look at THAT (insert body part or random observation)!"
We're going to get thrown out of Target because I can't stop this game once it starts, and they keep yelling "Yook at thaaat buuutt! Yook at that peeenis!" Again, they think this is really funny, and OK maybe I do, too, but they can't be yelling that shit in Target.
They have no control over the volume of their voices.
I patted little LJ on the bottom after she put on her jammies the other night, and she turned around, patted me in the crotch and said, "A yittle pat on da bulva."
Last week, when little H-dawg saw me emerge from the shower, he yelled "MOMMY! You got poop on your bolba?!"
*SIGH* Can we not afford locks?
"No, honey. That's just hair. When girls grow up into ladies, they get hair on their vulvas."
"Mommy, that's silly! You got all that hair on your bolba."
And, what's worse? I can't laugh. I just have to be very natural and cool about all of it, because that's the kind of parent I want to be.
They can figure out I'm an asshole when they're adults.
Now's the time to give your bolba a new hairdo (lightening bolt? portrait of the Mona Lisa?) and then make a deposit to the Future Therapy Fund.
ReplyDeleteOh my god. Just oh my god.
ReplyDeleteHot glue some google eyes on your bolba, then name him. I don't know where to go form there, but I'm pretty sure Bolba the Ferret could teach the kids some nice lessons about discretion.
Miss Spoken - My main paranoia right now is that he'll see me with a new hairdo (I was between groomings at the time) and then ask me why it's different. I seriously need to get a deadbolt for the bathroom.
ReplyDeleteSteamy - I don't know why, but I all of a sudden feel like maybe this time I shared too much. However, I think Bolba is an excellent name for a ferret.
No, not too much! Don't pull back! I'm sorry, I'll comment nicely.
ReplyDeleteMy mom used to call the vagina "Biggle". It makes me shudder to even type that.
Oh yeah. Definitely a Geegee for me. (Hard G.)
ReplyDeleteBiggles and Geegees and Bolbas. Oh my.
Hahaha! After reading this I'm glad I stuck with "pee pee" and "hoo hoo"!
ReplyDeleteAs amusing as the idea may seem, it is important to note that hot glue and bulbas do not mix.
ReplyDeleteMy kids are awesome.
Peggy - score one for you in the parenting column. I absolutely thought I was doing this one thing correctly. I suck.
ReplyDeletePhubby - Let that be a lesson to you.
Ha! Well if anyone ever does find words that you can teach to children and they won't use to embarrass their parents with I'm sure there's a nobel prize in it for them.
ReplyDeleteTattytiara - I will be swimming in Nobels and Pulitzers.
ReplyDeleteAnd hilarious as the bolba stuff is, I also have to comment on the Cadbury Egg reflection -- because I feel so disgusting and like a big fat fatty when I eat a Cadbury Egg because there is no delicate way to eat one. Once you crack it open, that runny sugar stuff is everywhere. You can't eat HALF a Cadbury Egg -- it's all or nothing.
ReplyDeleteI'd totally laugh at the "Look at that butt!" game. I don't know how you keep a straight face.
Just saying "Hi!" because Steamy put me in a head lock and gave me noogies until I came and read your blog. And, despite my new baldy patch, I'm glad she did!
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I think we know each other well enough now for me to tell you that in my house vaginas are called "front bums".
Oh my god I'm laughing to hard to even think of something witty to write!
ReplyDeleteIf it makes you feel any better, I also want to be a natural and cool mom. Which means this is going to happen to me eventually, too. You just had kids first.
P.S. You are an awesome writer. I really, really hope you get into that grad program. Really.
ReplyDeleteAmanda - The trick to ridding yourself of the guilt is to make it your pre-workout snack. It's amazing.
ReplyDeleteJen O. - Aw, I'm glad Steamy was so mean to you. That was really nice of her. I love readers! And comments! But, what I really love is the term "front bums." Effing genius.
Becky - OMG, don't use "vulva." It's impossible. Just say "labia" or "special trinket" or something. (And, thank you. I'm so, so nervous about my application.)
All I got out of this is that you don't shave your crotch.
ReplyDeleteReally, woman? It's 2010, for chrissakes.
You'd figure all the choking your husband has been doing might tip you off a little.
MG35 - you have lots of Os. Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink.
ReplyDeleteI feel I've shared a significant amount of information about my labia at this point, so I'll just leave it as me being "between groomings" and also being in possession of a gift certificate to the spa.
Would you like me to draw you a picture?
LOL!
ReplyDeleteHave we met at Target?
Mine was the one screaming V A G I N A !!!!!!! Like a war cry.
A little pat on the bulba. Ah dear gawds...I damn near pissed myself. I know the feeling though...kids. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteAhhhh hahaaa!! Bolba! Bolba!! I'm calling mine that from now.
ReplyDeleteI have nothing but laughs for this, right now.
ReplyDeleteWhen I eat then,I feel like I'm giving a rim job to my Cadbury eggs.
Or I imagine that'd what a rim job would be like...
right.......
Wow! I just found your site today and I love it! The whole Cadbury egg thing is so hilarious. I also have to eat them in the privacy of my own home or away from others. My daughter used to talk about her wiener all of the time. She just didn't want to accept the fact that she didn't have one. So then she started calling it her front butt... I still have no idea where she got wiener from... As much as I use "balls" I am surprised it ended up being wiener!
ReplyDeleteOMG. This post makes me really want to see your kids again SOON, before they mature in the least bit. This is hilarious! It also makes me think maybe I DO want to have twins one day.
ReplyDeleteI'm in tears from laughing so hard!!! I was an aupair (nanny, but I'm fancier than that) and I had the same bouts of public embarassment with them too, but I think its worth it to know they're not going to have any forced weird issues with their "lady flower". It should smell like flowers when its supposed to smell like pussy...right??
ReplyDelete