I'm too friendly

Uncomfortable Adventures in Holiday Shopping, part 2
One time, I heard somewhere that the best place to find love is the grocery store. It's the new (or old) Myspace. It's the offline anonymous booty call of the real world, right?

Apparently it is, because I got hit on hardcore at the grocery store over the holidays, but seriously, yo, I didn't realize it until I told the story for the second time. (By the way, Phubby and BFF I'm pretty sure think I'm a complete fucking idiot for this.)

For those of you following along at home, I'm awkward.

I have an overwhelming urge to make friends wherever I go, especially with surly people, couples having private conversations, people who look like they have nothing in common with me whatsoever and any other types of people who do not want to talk to me.

I really like people, and I like making friends with people who do have different life experiences. One time, I met this really cool guy on a train who had been a political prisoner and had this amazing life story and was headed to New York to plea for help for his country, and SHUT UP! I'm just fucking friendly, OK?


The scene: The grocery store, late at night, after a meeting for work. At the register. The light is on, but the cashier isn't there yet. My inner monologue in red.

The cashier strolls up.
Oh, I've never met this checker before. She must be new! I should be nice to her! Whoa - and it's Christmas! I should be extra super nice to her!*

Me: Hi there! :D

Checker: Um, hey.

Oh, she seems a little grumpy. Maybe she's mad she has to work late. Or she might be mad about her spiky haircut. I'll cheer her up!

Me: Really? :( That bad, huh?

Checker: Yeah.
Me: Well, it must be the holidays! :D It will be better soon, right?! ;D
Checker: Yeah. It was busy earlier. Now nobody's here.

Wow. Poor checker. It must be her first day, and she's so stand-offish. She's acting all cool, like Danny Zucco when Sandy spots him at school for the first time, and Sandy's all "HEY! Remember when I gave you that hand J under the boardwalk," and Danny's all, shrug, "Just anotha pussy that I had to tame."

But Sandy, she doesn't give up, and neither do I.

Plus? I'll lay it on the table, on the principle of frankness. The checker? Definitely lesbyterian.

Which? Is totally cool, but I'll admit makes me feel a little sorry for her because we live in a really rural, conservative area, and I'm assuming, maybe incorrectly (but not because people can be real assholes here), that perhaps not everyone around here is very nice to her. BUT, she's about my age, and maybe we could be friends forever and she could come over for board game night and we could drink wine and sometimes go hiking and I could totally, like, be at her wedding and give a really touching toast about how we met at the grocery store and became friends for life and how I'm so happy that my dear friend has found this beautiful woman with whom to share her life (and - let's be honest - my board game nights, because once I get around to organizing them, they will be legendary.)

So, I must. make. friends with her.

Me: Aw. I'm sorry. Has everyone else gone home for the night? *perky face*
Checker: Yeah, I'm pretty much the only one here.
Me: Aww. Shouldn't be too much longer. When is your shift over?

Checker: *cocks head, looks up at clock, looks at me directly for first time, half smiles* 10:30
Me: Oh, great! That's pretty soon! See?! Your night is looking up! :D :D :D
Checker: *slow nod* I'd say it is.

I am the Christmas spirit fairy. And I have just delivered this lonely, tired checker from grumpiness. We're totally going to be friends. I can feel it.


Smiling, I bag some groceries ... she bags some groceries. She hands me a filled reusable bag (because I am an environmentalist and you should be, too). She hits a button on the register ... and FREEZES.

She stares at the screen, not even blinking.


Checker: *with amazement* That. is the second time that's happened. TODAY.
Me: Hmm? What's that now?
Checker: *slowly turning toward me* The total? Is S i x-t y-n i n e. 99. *pause* Exactly.

*uncomfortable pause*

Oh, no! I'm pausing too long. This is awkward. I'm such a pervert! All I can think is 69-oral-sex, 69-oral-sex. What is wrong with me?! Say something normal, or else she'll think you're a pervert! Do it. Say something! You're still not talking. Speak! Now!


Friendship making skills failing you! Why are you such a pervert?! Get your mind out of the gutter and make a fucking friend!


Me: *pulling it together* Har-har-har. That's so weird. You should totally play those numbers tonight. *pause* In the lottery!
Checker: I'm thinkin' about it. *boring hole in my skull with her eyes* I'm reaaaally thinkin' about it.

OMG. I'm a pervert. And she's figured it out. Cover my tracks. Cover my tracks! Play naive! Dreams of board game night slipping from my firm but friendly grasp!


Me: You should because if you play the numbers and you win, you'll be really psyched (DUH), but if you don't and the numbers hit, you'll be super mad, right?
Checker: *nodding* I'm thinkin' about it. I'm reaaaaally thinkin' about it.
Me: *seeing another customer behind me in line* Oh. Great! Well, I hope you get off soon! *Shit* Work. I hope you get off work soon. OK. Good night! Hahaha! Play those numbers!

Sarah, you are half the grocery store away from the line. Stop talking. You look like you're yelling at yourself.

Everyone knows you were thinking about oral sex. Just get out of here. In fact, run. Like you're suddenly in a hurry to get to your car. And don't make it a cool run. Just go ahead and do the fat-middle-schooler-in-gym-shorts jiggle all the way to the car, pushing your cart with the three bags you could easily carry.

Later you can tell the story twice before realizing the funny part of the story is not that you thought about a 69 reference with a stranger but that the stranger WAS HITTING ON YOU and you were too self-involved and neurotic to realize it.

It's amazing I ever got a date in this world.

* OK, fine. I know she's new. I know because I go to the grocery store too much. It's my home away from home, my peaceful getaway. It has a Starbucks and a good newsstand and a book-and-DVD section. Also, free balloons for kids AND they always give the kids cookies or little samples of cheese. So maybe I know the people who work there by name. And maybe my favorites are Cheryl and Mary. And maybe I clip out the "top banana" cards from the mailers to give to the grocery store employees who are extra-special nice. (Tip: keep them with you in your coupon organizer! You'd be amazed how grateful the employees are.)

EDIT: I just remembered how mad I was that my parents wouldn't let me have a summer job selling knives door-to-door. They were so unreasonable. It paid $12 an hour, but all my mom said was "No. You will not be selling the implements of your destruction." She's so jaded. I'm totally streetwise.