My loves, my joys, my dear children, Mommy loves you.

But shut the hell up and go to sleep.

I hear you yelling. Yes, yes, but you went down for your naps an hour ago.

You whimpered and sighed for a half hour. Then, you were asleep ... or so you led me to believe.

Now, you're yelling "Heeeelllllllp! Mommmmmm-yyyyyyyy! Iiiiiii'm awa-aaaaaake! Mommy!? I'm awake! *pause* MOOOOOOOOOMMMMM-YYYY!! I'm A-WAKE!"

This is what I hear:  nothing.

Just like what you hear when I say, "Dear loveys, please pick up your Legos and put them in the bin" and then sing you the happy pick-up song I just invented.

Just like what you hear when I say, "Babies! It's lunchtime; come to the table, please." (You know, until the part where I declare that I will be eating all of Mommy's homemade mac-and-cheese all by myself, and you come running into the kitchen, your tiny little stocking feet sliding on the linoleum, screaming, "NOOOO! That's MY mac-and-cheese!")

You are adorable, and you are the loves of my life. But, if we're being frank with each other?

I did not get split open in the middle of the night and nurse two children in two different hospitals two hours away from one another for two weeks and take a huge step back in my career and work from home with no adult interaction just to get one-hour naps out of you two.

So, this is how it's going to work: You are going to shut your adorable 3-year-old pie holes for at least the next 45 minutes, or I swear on all that is pure and good about motherhood that this house will never again have lollipops.

Do we have a deal?


I'm glad we understand each other.