C-U-Next-Tuesday: Turf War

A couple weeks ago, I was chilling with my friend and a work contact, when the work contact asked me if I knew Paul Worky (not his name), a writer attending the same event.


Back up, son. There was another writer? On my turf?

Back in the day, I never much worried about competition. Then, I met Joe Man (not his name), the regional reporter for a big-name publication. Joe Man shouldered me out of interviews, rewrote articles from our publication for his publication (without any evidence of his own research contributing to it), and hungrily jotted down the answers to my very poignant questions.

So, now, when I hear there's a writer on my turf, I go all, "Whaaat? My story, bitchez. Let's roll."

I turn into a territorial writer monster. I'm not sure what that looks like, but when I'm done writing my post, maybe I'll work that out in MS Paint.

On this particular day, I dealt with the enemy in absolutely the bitchiest, mean-high-school girl way possible: BGJ, my friends - befriend, grill, judge.

To be fair, Paul Worky, who henceforth will be called "Mayim Bialik," had the most ridiculous fucking hat I've ever seen. Take away the flower, and cut the hair short, and he looked precisely like this:

Pretty sure this is a "Blossom" publicity shot, but if it happens not to be, let me know if it's yours. Thanks.

Which? Is adorable on 13-year-old Blossom. However, a 45-year-old man with a cutesy fold in his fishing cap needs to be taken down a peg. His outfit screamed "dickhead."

I know this makes me sound ugly. I know you're all thinking I must be that girl.

I guarantee you, I am not. I am a straight-up ladyist, and I love befriending people for real. Most of the time, I'm too friendly, hand-on-Bible.

But, this guy ... this guy had it coming. I sidled up to Mayim Bialik, and as soon as I felt he was comfortable enough with me, I started in on him.

During my mean-girl interview, Mayim claimed the following:

 - He is a freelancer from the tri-state area and has been published in several places.

OK. Believable.

 - It is impossible to live off freelance writing alone, so all freelancers must edit, as well.

Hm. I know some freelance writers who are doing just fine. Perhaps, Mayim Bialik needs to work on his writey skillz. As your TV brother, Joey, would say, "Whoa."

 - No one makes money blogging. He laughed at the idea.

Should I start a list, Mayim Bialik, or should you and I have a father-daughter talk about how lots of writers use their blogs to market their work and that a blog could be a great tool for someone who is having a hard time selling his work? No?

 - He has been published in a variety of big-name publications, which he tried to list a little too casually.

It was at this point that my friend, City Girl, stopped believing you. I googled you, dude. Not seeing a whole lot. I'm not sure I believe you, either. I find scant references to your work online, and that makes me doubt you have published in the places you were so quick to list. Do you feel you're not legitimate if you don't have big names behind you? Would you be selling out if you, say, marketed your writing? How about a LinkedIn page, my friend? Business cards? A website? Anything? Bueller? Bueller?

 - He was asked by The New Yorker to write something, but really wasn't interested.

I totally know what you mean, man. If you really want to be serious about freelancing, you don't want one of the country's most prestigious publications holding you back. Look at Malcom Gladwell and Joyce Carol Oates. Both still writing for The New Yorker, careers in the toilet. It's a real shame they don't have your insight.

Sarcasm aside, dude, this is when I knew you were full of shit or crazy. I'm guessing by your ridiculous hat, it could go either way.

*Sigh* I always feel so guilty at the end of C-U-Next-Tuesday. By the time I write about something that annoyed me, I'm not that angry about it anymore. Plus? It just doesn't feel like me. C-U-Next-Tuesday might not be long for the world. Maybe I'll come up with a new blog gimmick. You people like gimmicks, right? Maybe "Free Car Deodorizer Friday" or something ... I'll work on it.