Ninja Psychics are Assholes

Years ago, my mother and I came up with the million-dollar idea of designing inappropriate greeting cards. The idea came out of a fit of giggles over hearing a radio DJ cheerfully proclaim, "Happy Good Friday, everyone!"

Yes, of course. Happy Good Friday indeed! Jesus died on a cross so we can have a half-day off work! Woot! Golf game or margaritas?

Since then, I've become acutely aware of DJs' propensity for proclaiming somber holidays "happy." It's become a somber-holiday tradition for me to hear a DJ do it, in the same way some people need to hear a certain Christmas carol to really get into the holiday spirit.

Also, I spend a great deal of brain time writing inappropriate greeting cards. Sometimes, I wonder if my mother would have laughed so much during that initial discussion, had she known how much time I would devote to the idea.

Actually, lots of times when I'm thinking things that might not be normal, I start wondering if other people know what I'm thinking, like "what if there is a psychic in this room who hasn't told anyone he can read minds and totally can see the things I want to do in bed with my husband later, or maybe he knows that I'm secretly thinking about how pandas must get really sick of eating bamboo shoots and if I were a panda I'd send out for sandwiches at least once a week or something, or he's laughing at me because I should be paying attention to the presentation about this forest preservation area but all I can really think about is how weird my shoes smell or how awesome bananas are."

And who is this judgmental psychic asshole, anyway? Wait. Now that I'm thinking about a possible psychic being in the room, does he know that I'm thinking this?! That sneaky son-of-a-nugget.

So yeah, I'm afraid of ninja psychics.

You might be thinking, "That's weird," but I really feel like everyone should have this fear, and I just thought of a good metaphor to explain why you should hate ninja psychics, too.

You know how when you go to a public restroom and you have to pass gas, you are really hoping no one is in there because if they are in there, you don't want them to hear you fart, and you're not sure if you can keep it in?

And then, when you go into the public restroom and find a stall, and you know people are in there and could hear you, you have two choices?

1) You can really try to refrain from farting, or 2) You can go ahead and do it and then wait it out in the stall until everyone who heard you leaves the restroom.

Of course, the whole internal debate is null and void if someone else is pooping in that restroom. Because that person is disgusting and should have held it, and also should be filled with shame and self-loathing, and probably should cut back on the fiber during the work day.

Anyway, my point is that your brain is kind of like a public restroom. It's the appropriate place for inappropriate things to happen, and you shouldn't have to feel bad about it. All I'm saying.

Having a ninja psychic in the room would be like someone sneaking into a public restroom to listen to you fart when you thought you were alone.

Not cool.

This post was supposed to be about inappropriate greeting cards, but it's really taken a turn and I'm feeling kind of lost now. How about this? I'll just post some greeting cards, and you unsubscribe when you read the one that offends you?

Great. Here goes:

Memorial Day

(front)

(inside)

Birthday

(front)

(inside)

Arbor Day

(front)

(inside)

Maybe near the graduation cards?

(front)

(inside)

I'mma be over there in the corner. Where the bad kids stand. Feeling ashamed.