This Is How You're Going to Improve My Life

So, I just left a really sad rant of a comment over at The Bloggess and probably should have thought better of it. I mean, The Bloggess is not my therapist.

You guys are!

So, I'm going to recap some recent events for you, and then you get to vote on my future behavior. I'm pretty sure I should stop kicking puppies, because things are not going well.

I don't actually know what I did wrong because I'm not very self-reflective. I'm mostly driven by anxiety and impulse, which is a huge surprise to regular readers who find me very classy and self-contained.

I told The Bloggess in her comments that I hate her because her pee looks "fantastic," according to her doctor, and I kind of mean it because my pee still has "signs of infection," and my doctor put me on my third antibiotic in a month, and my kidneys probably look like that chick who got her face torn off by the Chimpanzee - either like that or like that kid from Mask, who was a much less attractive person than Cher, but you could still sort of make out a resemblance, which in my opinion, is just damn good casting - but anyway, I took a day off work, which I really did not want to do, and I went back today even though I still have a fever, because I had to pick up my car from the mechanic this morning, so I was already in town.

S'anyway, even though I wound up not having back cleavage for the wedding, which was cool, I'm still struggling because I still have a fever, but at least my brake isn't almost catching on fire anymore, and also yesterday, I left my pinkeye medication at the doctor's office, where I went to deal with the fucking kidney infection, and the girl who sits across from me who gave me the pinkeye has pinkeye AGAIN, and also when I went in to work on Monday, the electric outlet behind my desk was crackling even after I removed all the plugs, and the building maintenance guy was all "Good thing you called us to replace it because it was already burning,' and I was like "awesome," and also this weekend, while I had pinkeye and a kidney infection for our dear friends' wedding, I ran into this guy I dated in, like, 9th grade and this week, he sent me a message that was all "You have a nice personality" instead of "Hey, sexygirl. You're looking great! No way you gave birth to twins! I kick myself daily for being so lame when we were 14 and also for telling everyone that I felt you up, even though we both totally know you let me."

Which?

Should be the form letter for any ex-boyfriends who send private messages on Facebook, even if you had a young, meaningless relationship, because otherwise, what the fuck is the point?

It's called protocol, people.

/rant

So, here's where you guys come in. You get to vote on my response to 9th grade loverboy (whom my friend's yo-boy (remember those?) ex-boyfriend called Wonder Boy, for some unknown reason)*.

Some of these responses I came up with on my own. Some were courtesy of hilarious coworkers and/or PHubby.

(Oh - and it's possible, but not probable - that this guy has seen my blog. I'm pretty sure some mutual friends read it, but they probably wouldn't tell him about it, but just in case, disclaimer:  Um, you're totally cool, ex-boyfriend from 18 years ago, and I'm glad we can chill sometimes (every 6 to 8 years), even though you're kind of creepy quiet and I awkwardly don't know what to say to you because I really don't know you as an adult, even though you seem pretty nice.)

(Oh! and pretend Gwen Stefani's "I Know We're Cool" is playing.)

Back on point. The context of the message from Wonder Boy was something like, I forgot you're funny and sarcastic. Glad to see you. Be in good health.

*pause with closed eyes and lips, finger to chin, letting it sink in*

*aaaaand, sharp inhale*

I KNOW, RIGHT?!

I'm glad you're as incensed** as I am about the lack of ass compliments and sweaty, feverish angst that obviously did not go in to this note and which my undying beauty and grace so obviously call for.

Where is the pining and groveling?

So.

The responses are (and whatever you pick I'm using for real (God, I'm an asshole)):

A. Thanks. You have a nice personality, too.

B. You remain as exciting as a bucket of wet cement.

C. Thanks! I am funny and sarcastic. But seriously? Go fuck yourself.

D. This is super nice, but you forgot to compliment my youthful good looks. Please edit and resubmit.

E. Kind of you to say. Your girlfriend has a nice "personality," too.

F. Remember that time we dry-humped under a bridge and you came in your pants?

G. What was it that charmed you? When I made my Cesarean scar speak or when I snorted down the Alabama Slammer and shot it out of my mouth like a fountain?

Leave your votes in the comments!