No, I'm not in a fucking MFA writing program, I was baked and I wrote down some stuff, all right?

Advice: If you are in an MFA program for writing and your husband asks you to read some thoughts he wrote down when he was inebriated, just tell him it's really good and so amusing, really, and don't act like a dickhead in a workshop with a Pulitzer winner. FYI.

Reminder: Pay your quarterly water bill. Just because the city bills on paper doesn't mean the bill doesn't exist.

Advice: If you are wearing really cute shoes in a really boring meeting, so as to draw attention to your feet, please, please refrain from removing one of those shoes and scraping your fucking toenails. Especially if you have kind of a big-time job. But mostly just because it's skeevy.

Advice: Eat a good amount of chocolate.

Advice: Also, maybe still eat a good amount of chocolate, but not quite as much as you're eating now, and also don't be afraid to spend a little extra time at the gym. Go ahead. I'll take care of the kids a few extra nights a week.

Reminder: Have you picked up your prescription, yet? Did you call it in? Go ahead and do it now. I'll wait ...

Advice to self: Start Good Advice and Reminders Service. Become instant millionaire. Lose it all buying taffeta jackets and satin pill box hats with webbing and going to random funerals of strangers to sob like a mysterious mistress just to see what people do. Then, laugh, laugh, laugh at those stupid idiots. Write a book. Get a reality show gig and, the day you think you'll be eliminated, flash your vagina a bunch of times and also call someone a racist name so no one in America will forget your face, baby, ever. Do a bunch of interviews, and then talk about how you got sober and got healthy and then have a serious reality show to redeem your image. (self-made Drew Barrimore!)  Sell some stuff on QVC. Be millionaire again. Also wear lots of makeup and 80s power skirt-suits.

Like this:

Or even:

But don't blow a guy in a clown dog car:

Awwww, burrrrrn:

So, is it just me, or has the Good Advice and Reminder Service become Your Basic Life Planning Service? Open for business.


Reminder to self: Move stuff from washer to dryer before bed, so you don't have to get all dressed up again tomorrow because all you have is another pair of control-top pantyhose you know has a run in the toe, and there are only so many times you can use the excuse that you got a run that morning, even though you got it last time you wore them, and everyone knows no two runs are exactly the same.