OK, so y'all remember everything about my life, right? Because someone said to me once, "Yes, dear, because it is all about you."
So, of course you remember last time, when the husband was interested in a show he thought was about a Jew-eating whale.
I thought he was a nice guy before he started talking about genocide-by-marine-mammal and drawing diagrams of water caves he titled "Amphibious Lair of Inter-species Aryan-Whale Power."
But really, now he's watching TV and I'm not really paying attention because it's a football game between two teams I could give less than a shit about, and I'm a couple glasses in to the Beaujolais-Villages, if you catch my drift, which I think you do because I'm drunk.
Anyway, he says, "It happened again."
I'm like, "What?" kind of huffy, because I was looking at anthropologie.com and thinking of straight skirts that would look really fabulous on me if I was four inches taller and my thighs looked and acted less like an advertisement for Anemic Jello Molds Gone Wild. (Seriously, I need to stop wearing skirts on windy days. My thighs are whores.)
The programming guide is on the TV, and he's pointing toward the screen with the remote control, staring at me all, "Eh? Eh?" So, I look up and see MTV is playing "World of Jenks," and I shrug and say, "It looks like 'World of Jerks.'"
And then he's giving me the "I know, right!?!?" look, and my mind is scrambling and scanning wildly to figure out what the hell I've missed, and suddenly, his eyes pop wide open, and he's like, "I'd watch that!"
I swear he wasn't like this before. He said he's sorry. He promised it wouldn't happen again. He'll change, right?
When you're not around, he's actually watching Oprah. And weeping softly for joy. Like we all do. We just can't admit it to you.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Your thighs aren't whorish, they just... yearn to be unencumbered by your skirts. Fly, thighs! Be free!
Well, I certainly don't want him to. I want to kick back and have a cool one and watch World of Jerks.
ReplyDeleteSincerely,
Kunt
Pirate - Please stop encouraging my thighs. (Is it just me, or would that be like the funniest thing ever to randomly text to someone? Can we all please try that tomorrow and report back on how it goes? Cool.)
ReplyDeleteKunt - If everyone is a jerk, how would you know they were jerks?
I think the hubs needs to let off some steam. He might be holding in some passive-aggressive stuff. I mean, if you want him to get over his Nazi-Jerk phase, then maybe he needs to just punch something.
ReplyDeleteMaybe...
Or maybe he's a pod person.
Have you checked your basement for alien pods?
no honey. no. they don't change. I think we should teach men gorilla sign language and then they won't have to speak anymore.
ReplyDeleteChristina - This is EXactly the kind of invasion I didn't expect.
ReplyDeleteBut seriously, what do the pods look like because we have a cellar and it's really creepy and I never know what's going to be down there, so could you be more specific?
andygirl - But, he bought me a really nice card. Well, he didn't buy it, but he told me about it which is just as good, right?
ReplyDeleteYou hope they'll change but then you walk into a room and see them watching "Co-ed Confidential" and then you see it... Stupid tv looming as far as the eye can see.
ReplyDeleteYou guys need to put your heads together, drinks together, scan through the TV guide a few nights, and come up with a list of shows that you would never watch UNLESS it was renamed something! That would be a great post!
ReplyDeleteSo I texted my mom about the thigh encouragement. She replied, "Honey, I encourage every part of you. Especially those monolithic thighs."
ReplyDeleteMy husband does kinda the same thing, only with song lyrics.
ReplyDeleteExactly, if being a jerk is defined by the relative unjerkiness of everyone else, then a world in which everyone were jerks is impossible, as half the jerks (the nicest jerks) would automatically become known as nice, respectful gentlefolk. World of Jerks is a paradox. I'd watch World of Gerks though. Pickles are fascinating.
ReplyDeleteQuestion for Steamy:
ReplyDeleteOn World of Gerks, do the Gerks genuinely and overtly dislike each other as well as the world around them and can they perhaps independently diagnose and make a value judgment regarding the ethnicity or personal beliefs of any humans they encounter?
I bet there are a lot of Great White Sharks in the Amphibious Lair of Inter-species Aryan Power.
ReplyDeleteI used to watch World Of Jerks when it was on CSPAN.
ReplyDeletePhubby: I think what you're referring to is World of Gerk Jerks. Still though, a paradox. ALL the pickles can't be jerks.
ReplyDeleteIf I was going to watch BUM Notice, I'd want to watch the British version.
ReplyDeleteI would totally watch World of Jerks. It would air right after Jackass, and before Jersey Whore.
ReplyDeleteMy husband never pays attention when I'm watching t.v. because I have a very low bar for what I deem watchable.
ReplyDeleteI was watching Hoarders the other night - the one where that crazy bitch hoarded rotten food - and he heard it as "hors d'oeuvres ". He glanced at the set to see the inside of that nasty freezer and asked, "What the hell kind of cooking show is THIS?"
You are my new favorite person. Can I keep you?
ReplyDelete