Like, most of the time, you're getting to know him, and you're like, "OK. Yeah, all right. I can work with this ..."
"So it's a little crooked? S'allright ..."
"I wouldn't say the girth WOWs me ... but it's doing it's job. Cool ..."
(Oh, God. I'm going to regret this post when I'm sober.)
"Sure. OK. This is going relatively well. No surprises, but nothing really wrong, either. Cool."
But then ...
You meet a guy, and you get friendly. If you know what I mean. *leering at you to indicate double-meaning*
I mean *elbow, elbow, wink, wink, wink ... wink ... really big wink*
How do I put this?
A time comes when ... well, you know ... um ... you, like ... OK, deep breath ... sometimes, when mommies and daddies love each other very much - and they're married - they touch their ... you know what? Let's move on.
When it's time to play I'll-scratch-your-back-if-you-scratchmine, *WINK WINK* you have one of those confused moments when you flinch a little bit and then have to keep going like everything is cool.
It's like this:
Ohhh, ba*tiny tiny pause*byyyy ...
It's small ...
ish.
Smallish. Yeah. OK ...
It's not OK. There's something wrong here.
But it's also ...
No, it's just small. Really small.
OMG, I feel like I'm touching a child, and everything about it is just wrong.
*Outside, a blizzard rages, and you have no way of getting home for two days*
Shit.
"Getting snowed in. It will be so romantic. You, me, wine. *eyebrow waggles*"
That dick! He planned this!
He knew I'd want nothing to do with his baby penis, but that I'd never be able to say that. And now I'm going to have to seem like I want to do it with him for two days unless I want to freeze to death.
Time to start up the fantasies ...
OK, I'm an astronaut on a strange planet, and he's an alien and that's why his penis is small ... but ... eager?
Now I'm just thinking about puppies.
Crap. I'm really hot. Why isn't he done? Maybe he thinks my boobs are too small.
He'll probably tell all my friends and then snap my bra strap at lunch before going home to play Yu Gi Oh with his clubhouse friends.
Stop it.
I'm the Jolly Green Giant and he's Sprout.
NO! EW!
Ummm, he is ... a normal size, human man, and I am a giantess, and he's conducting experiments on me!
With his tiny penis.
OH, NO! Do not start giggling. Tell him he's tickling you.
With his tiny penis.
Now I can't stop laughing! OH! OH! He's getting excited.
He thinks I'm quivering!
Why is this getting funnier? Oh my God, Oh my God! Please, dear Lord. Make him stop yelling, "Take it all."
He heard you snort! STOP laughing. Stop it stop it stop it. It's not funny.
His tiny, childlike penis is not funny at all. Nor is his grunting.
Or the fact that he's always going to think of you as the girl who snorts during orgasm.
oh my god have you been following me? GASP!
ReplyDeleteokay, so nothing like that has happened *recently* but it has happened. twice.
I say, it ain't sex if you can't feel it happening. amIright? huh huh?
also: there's a reason *certain* guys are the lead singers in bands. so they can hold that HUGE microphone. compensation isn't just for trucks.
Yaaaay! A comment while I'm still drunk enough not to be embarrassed by this post!
ReplyDeleteIf you are in NYC, that may be my ex :-P
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of when I lost my virginity...
ReplyDeleteAlso, it reminds me of a few other times in my life. But mostly the virginity thing. I was like "ok, I haven't seen too many of these things but I KNOW that is seriously small. And... is it supposed to hurt? Cuz I don't feel a damn thing..."
very funny ;) luckily not something that's happened tome... not that I've seen one of any size for some time so I might be grateful even for a small one...
ReplyDeletewell, probably not ;)
OMG I *totes* know what you mean, sister! I'm always like, "He's Gulliver and I'm a Brobdingnagian." It helps.
ReplyDeleteI wish I didn't drink all our wine two nights ago. I guess there's still that half bottle of cooking sherry.
I have had this experience, and the "I feel like I am touching a child" thing is something I never felt like I could express, but you have done it for me!
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing sexy about a small dong.
p.s.- I am drunk too so it's cool.
Lol!! Wine is awesome indeed. I love this post -- it's just the right size!
ReplyDeleteAwwwwwwwwwwww, you blogged about our wedding night! That is so sweet honey *hugs & kisses*
ReplyDeleteI nub you :)
NOTHING sexy about a small penis. I've been there. Shame on me though, because the guy told me it was small, showed me it was small, and said he could still do amazing things with it. I stupidly believed him and was willing to give it a whirl. Not even as exciting as a carousel after you've hit puberty.
ReplyDeleteAh well... live and learn.
By the way, I see your wine, and raise you a bottle of bourbon.
I think this post is even funnier when read sober. You. Are. Awesome.
ReplyDeleteDon't let him try to convince you that the problem is that you have a giant vagina. If he does, you give him what-for, young lady. Your vagina is just the right size.
ReplyDeleteLove, Mom and Dad
Oh, thank god it's not just me. I tried to be kind and fair and not-bigoted, but COME ON. There is only so much a person can do.
ReplyDeleteBesides start composing grocery lists or thinking about how I'd redecorate the room we were in.
I think I went above and beyond the call of duty. We all did.
Heehee Didactic Pirate!! He funny.
ReplyDeleteI think all penises are God's creatures and have special talents and should be loved equally.
Okay, for real though...it goes the other way too. This one time, I was making out with a boy, and I took his wang out because, I don't know, I didn't know what else to do with my hands besides squeeze my boobs and moan, and it flopped out and landed on his stomach FLOP like a felled tree. I said something like, "No. Absolutely not. I think you should go home now." because as you know, I'm a nurturer.
Fun fun post, but I, uh, totally gotta disagree with your opening line... I have seen my share, and there is a bigger range in size and uh girth than you think.
ReplyDeleteJust sayin....
Or so I have heard :)
Awesome. I dated a guy for three years who I often had to ask if we'd started because I honestly couldn't tell. Guys don't like that apparently.
ReplyDeleteLOL! Awesome! I've had about the same experience, but with a huge penis that really was worthless, and I didn't laugh but I imagined I was somewhere else. Yeah okay, maybe not REALLY like your experience....
ReplyDeleteIt's even worse when he's a cowboy with a big hat, and you've been working the stripper pole all nite, and you usually don't do this but just REALLY need a good rogering.
ReplyDeleteOh, and also, his ex fatty dyed blonde girlfriend's pic is on the bedside table.
Gawd...just hurry.up.
I wonder how long until he picks up that you only snort when HE orgasms.
ReplyDeleteI think I dated him once!
ReplyDeleteK, that made me cry at work.
ReplyDeleteMy second boyfriend ever was pinkie-sized. Most. Horrifying. Experience. Ever.
And where are you that it's blizzarding?! You need to move IMMEDIATELY.
reminds me of the time I said "is it in yet?"
ReplyDeleteyah.
that was awkward.
love posting whilst intoxicated. it warms my soul.
This is absolutely the funniest thing I've read today. Thank you.
ReplyDelete**snort**
Love it! I don't what would be more disappointing the childlike penis or the tumble in the sheets that never happened due to other "problems" in the penis department. considering someone's fretility it may have been a blessing ... I was going to say in disguise but it was in his jeans. No disguising that!
ReplyDeleteSo I snorted at: Make him stop yelling, "Take it all."
ReplyDeleteThen I read Phubby's comment.
Then I read Didactic's.
Now my chair is soaked through with urine. Which makes me think about tampons. Which makes me think about the wee willy again. It's a vicious, urine soaked cycle...
OMG! Did we screw the same guy?
ReplyDeleteMy friend's husband offered up a solution for this one:
ReplyDelete"Can we do it doggy so I can play farmville, too? NO!! I'm totally into this, but seriously? Do you WANT my crops to wither?"
He guarantees no one will argue with that. ;)
OFFICIALLY FOLLOWING. not real, lol!
ReplyDelete