PHubby: Sure.
Sarah P: ...
PHubby: ...
Sarah P.: ... Well?
PHubby: Um, stand up a little straighter. I don't want to rip the dress.
Sarah P.: Oh, sure. Yeah. Of course. Gingerly!
PHubby: ...
Sarah P.: ... Is it working?
PHubby: Can you maybe suck in a little bit?
Sarah P: ... *whooooossssshhhhh* Shit. I was.
PHubby: Um, maybe if you try to reach your elbows behind your back.
Sarah P.: Oh, hahaha. Very funny. I fell for that one in eighth grade.
PHubby: No, I mean, if you do that, it might give me a little more slack for this last inch-and-a-half.
Sarah P.: Oh. OK. God, I hope it fits.
PHubby: ...
Sarah P.: ...
PHubby: *perspires* *grunts*
Sarah P.: Well ...?
PHubby: Um. Well. Hm. *suddenly upbeat* How do you feel about back cleavage?
Sarah P.: I don't feel good about it.
PHubby: It could be exciting! *pervy eyebrow waggle, tongue hangs out*
Sarah P.: You would leave me for a wet bagel if it let you hump it.
PHubby: Not if you let me back-cleavage-hump you.
Sarah P.: God!
PHubby: *defensive* What?
Sarah P.: *big, affectionate hug* I love you. You are the most supportive husband ever. Thanks for making my grotesqueness feel sexy.
PHubby: *joyful, hopeful, happy puppy* Does this mean I get to get nasty on your back fold?
Sarah P.: No, but here's a kiss on the forehead.
PHubby:
How are you going to explain to the bride why the back of your dress is all crusty?
ReplyDeleteMy boyfriend tried to convince me that having plaster dust stuck to my face sweat was sexy yesterday. Tell me this, babe - how did we get so lucky to catch us men like that?
ReplyDeleteCan I have a go at your husband? I've had the worst time getting the hubs to get his sexy on. WTH?
ReplyDeleteYou got yourself a keeper there.
That made me smile. Tell hubby that he's a (vulgar) sweet-heart.
ReplyDeleteNice to read something so heart warming when I feel so pissy!
ReplyDeleteThe least you could do is let him fondle the back cleavage while you slow dance!
ReplyDelete"Does this mean I get to get nasty on your back fold?" LMAO
ReplyDeleteWouldn't have killed you. Just for like a minute. Just saying.
ReplyDeleteGlorious. And it's true, if a guy is legitimately attracted to you at weird times (home from the gym, rockin' the "I had a long day and/or have my period" sweats, when angry at something that isn't him, playing video games) then you know that you have something special on your hands.
ReplyDelete..and yet women wonder why men run off with other women who let them screw their back folds.
ReplyDeleteLying on your tummy and taking a little nap while the man of your dreams wraps your flesh around his member like a hot dog and effs your back while you maybe get a little spine massage? Sounds like a mini spa day to me.
ReplyDeleteI'm really warm and soft under my knees, but so far, no offers. :-(
Do you remember reading one of my blogs about when my sister put her bridesmaid dress on at my wedding and my photographer said, "even skinny people have back fat"? And how my sister almost murdered her with her eyes? So next time you have some back fat and your hub isn't there to talk about how sexy your back cleavage is, just remember that little gem.
ReplyDeleteSarah P, it's not too late to get it altered. A and I had an experience like this once. He didn't try his only suit on until the day we were supposed to go to my friend's wedding. He couldn't get his zipper up and I was so mad that we were going to be late, I just yelled out in a panic: "This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't gained so much weight!" I still regret saying it. We ended up safety pinning his pants closed and he cut his finger every time he used the bathroom.
ReplyDeleteHe had me at doing up your zipper for you.
ReplyDeleteOh em gee. I can't believe it never occurred to me to get the bagel wet first.
ReplyDeletenothing better than back cleave.
ReplyDeletewell, maybe toe cleave -that's pretty awesome. and totally doable.
Now you are writing porn?!
ReplyDeletesee? now you *can* wear the dress again. for PHubby. all my bridesmaid dresses are crammed at the back of my closet, waiting for the middle aged prom.
ReplyDeleteOf all the posts you'd think would have photos!
ReplyDeleteWow, this was going all gross and creepy but then it turned really mushy and warm hearted. I feel kinda warm and fuzzy now.
ReplyDeleteI truly think that if I gave my that look, and held up any two random objects, he would find a way to turn them into something sexual and infinitely exciting. Seriously. Anything. Mouthguard and acne cream? Awesome.
ReplyDeleteAnd I will never think of back cleavage the same way again.
"i don't feel good about it"... priceless.
ReplyDeleteyou're beautiful. bridesmaid dresses were meant to make women feel ugly - brides do this on purpose so they're the hottest one in the room. i've also found the uglier the bride, the worse the dress. it's similar to me hanging around stupid people so I can feel smart...
I'm deeply disturbed.
ReplyDeleteMostly because now I can't stop wondering if people actually do that. This takes the fetish thing to a level I haven't even thought of.
I need to go to the library.
I recently heard a Savage Love podcast about a girl who wanted her boyfriend to fuck her armpit and blow a load up her nose.
ReplyDeleteI think backfat humping sounds sexier.
when chuck zips me up (hey-o) he's got a string of commentary going that always includes: are you sure this fits?
ReplyDelete... if you really loved him.....
ReplyDeleteNice post, enjoyed it a lot.
Saw the title of your blog and had to stop by. Glad I did, I laughed throughout the entire post!
ReplyDeletehilarious. i'd hump a wet bagel. just to say i've done it... you know. for the experience.
ReplyDeleteToday is July 30th and "I" will touch your penis (or your Venus, whatever, would obvs prefer that actually) if you !post!
ReplyDeleteHmmm...backfold boning.
ReplyDeleteI didn't actually think that there was one I hadn't tried.
Blog is birlliant. Giggle inducing, in fact. And if I'm honest, I'm not really a giggler.
Tres bien, muchos (uh...bien), and other exclamations of appreciation.
-B
This is the first time I've read your blog. So now I'm following it and will continue to read it. Back cleavage humping sealed the deal.
ReplyDeleteWoah..nothing like some back cleave humping. LMAO!
ReplyDeleteI have to fit into a strapless dress next week, and this is EXACTLY what I'm guessing is going to happen. Except for the humping part.
ReplyDeleteOr maybe that will...