Professionalism, is what it's called

I'm a consummate professional.

In real life. Where I wear pearl necklaces (not the porn kind) sometimes and buns a lot.

Unfortunately, if I get an offer based on my blog, I lose all composure. I think this is because my blog is a lot about making offensive cakes and googling suspicious writers and worshiping strange people and inanimate objects and sometimes, but not always, where I complain about PHubby, even when he doesn't deserve it, which he usually does, but sometimes, I menstruate, and if labor pains are my punishment for Eve being kind of a fruit whore, then me being a bitch for four days a month is PHubby's punishment for Adam being a douche who thought with his penis.

My point is, I keep my dark side where it belongs - on the Internet. In real life, I'm quite educated and classy and also very rarely poop. That's what all my friends say about me behind my back, I've been told. Although, to be fair, the poop thing is less a personality trait and more an uncomfortable medical condition.

So, maybe I lose my composure when I get offers based on my blog because those offers are probably not based on my blog at all, and were sent to me by a glitch or a hitch or whatever the technical term is for when the Internet gets crossed with the World Wide Web, and they are like two planes waving in empty space, and sometimes they collide in strange places and that's when sometimes your boss gets an e-mail you wrote to your coworker about your boss' big, stupid, labia face, and you know you used the right e-mail address, which is why it's totally unfair that you got written up again.

I think that's how the Interwebs get crossed. I was flipping between a documentary on Al Gore's inventions and a show about parallel universes while I was falling asleep and kind of drunk, but I'm pretty sure I got it straight.

Anyway, the moral of the story is to never write an e-mail about your boss' vagina head to anyone. Best just to keep it word-of-mouth.

Where was I?

... Labia face ... WWW ... blog offers!

Right, so I got this e-mail today that at first I skimmed and was like, "WHOA! Someone likes my blog!" and also, "AWESOME! I totally want to do this. It sounds like fun!!"

But, then I read the whole thing and got a little bummed because:

Duuuuude, no one likes my blog. People like Chrissy's blog, and they want Chrissy to be a guest blogger for the month of July.

Chrissy always gets everything!

Stupid Chrissy.

(Anybody know who Chrissy is, by any chance? Because I swear I won't send her messages pasted together from newspaper clippings and locks of her pets' fur. I'm just curious, is all.)

Anyway, I decided to be friendly/funny about the whole crazy mix-up and hahaha! what a crazy world, huh?! J/K LOL LYLAS BYOB BBQ!

So, here is my response:

But, then I realized I made a mistake, so I sent another one:

Then, as I was writing this post, I realized I responded to a guest blog request as if it were an interview request. Who do I think I am, Tom Cruise? Who the hell tries to get my interview?

So, anyway, I know it's possible I might have screwed up, but do you think they're still interested?