The Brain on Blog

Once I realized I passed 90 blog posts, I froze. What the hell do I do now? Pretty soon it will be 100. It's like a number is some big deal.

Plus, PHubby has been all, "Um, you might want to think about getting a real blog design." OK. I know he's right, but it doesn't change the fact that I want to retaliate with, "Um, you might want to think about backing up four steps before I slam your peepee in the utensils drawer and gouge your eyes out with the melon baller."

Not that I'm sensitive. It's just this is my hobby, and I would love to have more time to doodle around and learn fun Internet magic, but when would I catch up on the 100+ blogs I follow, and Bones and, OMG, Ruby?

I don't even want to think right now about what grad school will do to me, especially when I'm going to have to write serious shit all the time.

(Side note: I keep trying to think of ideas for the first writing workshop this summer, and, ummmm ... some of them have turned into blog posts. WTF were they thinking, admitting me to this program? In my imagination, the real writers are going to be all, "Well, your water-color vagina-monster is darling, but perhaps we could talk about your personal struggles or some starving people or something - oh, I don't know - say, important? Do try to delve a little deeper."

And then, I think of them saying "delve a little deeper" and I automatically think to say, "Like, my cervix, or, like, your mom's throat?" Not even as a smart-ass response. More because I kind of want it clarified. Then, all the real writers roll their eyes at me and go back to writing about drug addiction and human rights issues. And I'm all, "Stuck-up assholes. I'mma write a C-U-Next-Tuesday post about this, with illustrations."

Anyway. Hi. Welcome to my brain.)

My brain kind of looks like a dialog bubble. Fitting.

I've been very contemplative about my blog lately, partially because of all of the above, and partially because my blogue is rapey lately, right? I feel the need to mix it up a bit. I came up with a list for making a lovely blog experience for readers. Here goes.

Making awesome blog:


1. It's all about the design. Pick colors that are soothing and appeal to many people of all genders and cultures. Include a sophisticated graphic. Hire someone, or have a friend create a professional-looking piece of art. Definitely do not spend less than 45 seconds slapping any ol' thing together in MSPaint.

2. Content matters. Write from the heart. Write about beauty. Write about pain. Write about whatever it is that ignites your passions. People will connect with the inner you.

It's extremely important to keep it clean. An occasional curse word is fine, but people will be turned off by repetitive vulgarity. (Read: Don't be a curse slut, or people will think you're a fucking cunt - and, goddammit, they'd be balls-on.) A good idea is to create something you would not be embarrassed for your mother or children to read.

3. Buy your domain name. Owning your domain helps you to brand your blog. This is good marketing advice.
Unlike the first two rules, which I quite obviously follow (shut the fuck up), I cannot follow this one. NakedCupcakes-dot-everything is taken, and my only other ideas for website names are for fetish websites. They're really good, though. Want to hear them?
   a. Ampu-tease.com: Giving good nubbin.
   b. PostpartumPussy.com: Cum throw your hot dog down our hallways. (Alternatively, "Cum park your Honda in our two-car garages," inspired by BFF's father's own comment. Heart that man 4 reelzies.)

4. Include beautiful photographs, inspirational recipes and quotes from famous thoughtful people. I only show no examples because it's important for you to find what is most dear to you, not because I've never done any of these things on my own blog.

5. Remember "blog" comes from "Web log." It is a way to record lovely memories, kind words, and tender thoughts.

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Yeah, I don't know, either.

P.S. It's Season 3 of Out of Tune Idol, sponsored by Jules at Mean Girl Garage. I'm a judge this season. Go check out the videos and commentary. The contestants are high-larious, meant with the emphasis as written. Pretty sure they're all on hallucinogenic mushrooms.