Naming a penis or a band?

Do you see how the do-it-yourself blog design thing isn't working for me? I turned myself into a mask and my blog into some sort of emo/goth hybrid.

My blog looks like someone melted the cover of Twilight or, like, took a Polaroid of the cover and then smeared the photo before it fully developed.

Wait. I can do this.

This blog design looks like sex between Jared Leto and Courtney Love, directed by Tim Burton, except Tim Burton was drunk that day and had the flu.

So ... I was going to tell you about the midwife at the OB/Gyn's office, and how she is crunchy in an upper-crust way - you know, wholesome with a gold watch.

And I was going to tell you about how, the year after I got married, I said something to her about maybe trying in the next year or so to produce a child.

She said very plainly, "OK, well, the way to tell if you're ovulating is to get a little discharge on your fingers and then pull your fingers apart. If it's tacky, you're not ovulating. If it sticks together in a long string, kind of like the white part of an egg yolk, you're ripe."

So, right after I vomited, I thanked her, and then she raised her eyebrows and half-smiled and said, "It's fun trying!" I kind of wish she'd had one of those spinning bow ties and a handlebar mustache, and then she could have tapped out of the exam room, pumping her cane up and down.

Anyway, I was trying to find a way to turn that into a story or a picture or something, but the furthest I got was this:

Yeah. Sorry about that.

Mostly, I just have some ho-hum crumbs of blog post ideas. Let's call it a theme, shall we? Cupcake crumbs, or something. I suck dick at transitions sometimes.

Speaking of dick ... for many years, I had heard that men name their penises. I accepted this as a universal truth.

My ideas of truth and gender stereotypes were shattered when I learned that PHubby does not have a name for his penis.

I think, in celebration of our upcoming anniversary, I should get to name it. We've started a list, although - is it just me? - some of them would be awesome band names.

Anyway, let me know what you think:

Dr. Wankenstein
The Hard Bargain
(Dr. Wankenstein and the Hard Bargain)
Snowball
The Nutty Professor (he's a grower)
Vanilla Thunderstick
The Witch's Dorothy
Little Roussimoff (Google is your friend)
PHubby's Magic Wand (Schtoopefy!)
Mr. Delicious
Larry (that's his brother Daryl and his other brother Daryl - they're nuts.)
Dr. Schmekel and Mr. Hide (he gets cold sometimes)

So, I type out the list, and then PHubby goes, "Are you just going to put this up as a poll?"

And then, we both start giggling like idiots because ... pole.