(Which? Would be totally adorable if only the entire ruffle on both sides didn't disappear into the abyss of my ass crack. And also, they look either like demented labia or like pink fairy wings on the back of your underwear, and whenever I think "wings" and "underwear," I think "maximum absorbency" and "heavy flow days" and also about blue fluid being poured over a maxi pad while I'm trying to eat my mac-and-cheese on the couch in front of the TV. AND? Thongs? Hemorrhoid-inducing. So, while PHubby likes them, I never feel sexy in them.)
You know what I do feel sexy in? Two days of leg stubble and chipping toenail polish. Because if I'm having sex, it's pretty much standard. So, now I kind of associate those things with sex. Welcome to adulthood. I'll be your tour guide.
And why would I hang on to pantyhose I know have a run in them and I shouldn't ever wear again? Because there will come a day when I've been through all the undies and still haven't done laundry, and I've even stretched laundry day for a few days by washing a couple pairs of undies in the sink and blown them dry with the hair dryer, but on this particular day, I have to leave early for work, and I don't want to wake the kids with the hair dryer, so it's Pantyhose Day for me. (Which? Corresponds with Bohemian-I'm-So-Artsy-I-Can-Mousse-Scrunch-And-Go-Hairstyle Day.)
I bought a Glamour magazine today, because I'm really stylish, obviously. And it has everything to do with my new theory that you don't have to be skinny as long as there's talcum powder in this world, and if you've had twins and never used baby powder on them and still have, like, six containers of it under the bathroom sink, I highly recommend you try dusting your inner thighs and also maybe the underside of your bottom, which I like to call the other other crack.
You think I'm kidding, but that's good advice. Fashion advice.
Anyway, I bought a cheesy magazine because I've been reading a lot of heavy, serious nonfiction lately, and I really need a break. I don't have enough time right now to read fun fiction (although my Christmas break list is lengthy), so cheesy magazine it is.
(Also, I'm baroque. You know, broke, in the classical sense. If anyone wants to hire a really handsome-guy-with-lots-of-skills who also happens to have a wife who writes a really inappropriate and completely unprofessional blog, holla.)
Anyway, the magazine has a Do-and-Don't page for colored tights. Apparently, plaid tights in muted colors are a DO.
If you do not have to powder your thighs, because I honestly thought to myself, "Hm, if I wore those tights, would I get talcum powder on them in a really obvious place? Because it might have happened once or twice that I had to change pants before going to work, because I left white finger prints right where I was pulling out my wedgie. And this is why every modern girl should have a husband, because who else would tell you these things?
Feminism, is what it's called.
This post has been really heavy on girly stuff. I feel like I should throw something in here for the fellas. If you want something to ogle, go to Ren Fest. It's a boob fair for Trekkies. I almost saw nips so many times at Ren Fest, I stopped counting. And I heard it gets crazy at night, like a big nerd orgy. Nordgy, if you will.
Halfway through the day, it got really crowded, and I concentrated hard on (heh-heh, hard on) not stepping on hoop skirts but I was growing seriously concerned about losing an eye to a nipple. And just when I thought I had the hoop-skirt-and-nipple-dodging thing down, a bunch of people were wearing fur tails and horns, and I was milliseconds from death in every direction.
It was exactly like being being a Catholic monk when King Henry VIII sent his thugs in to burn the abbey.
Thank God for beer and smoked turkey legs.
Am I missing something about the Elizabethans? My undergrad concentration was Renaissance literature, and I even named my cat after a woman poet from the era (shut the fuck up), but I'm seriously confused about the real life Second Life people at Ren Fest.
Frankly, I'm concerned with the level of nerd this world will be producing when my children are adults. Chilling.
Conclusions:
I'm sadly, tragically not nearly nerdy enough for Ren Fest;
Powder your thighs;
The stupid tights you wore under your jean shorts in 7th grade are now a fashion DO;
Maybe don't sniff my undies, in case you're a pervert who thinks it would be a good idea.
Peace.
Since we just met, I am going to be myself and ask why you didn't just go commando?... But since you were at Ren Fest today, perhaps your costume needed some sort of underside covering lest you got a chill down there... And really, as I was scrolling down and reading, I prayed that there were pictures. :-( Furries with horns? Come on!
ReplyDeleteThis is hysterical! Once I put baby powder in my hair because someone told me if you don't have time to wash your hair, just sprinkle baby powder and brush vigorously! Yeah, not a good idea, I looked like a really old woman with leaky breasts and spit up stains.
ReplyDeleteBut with all the friction and sweat, the powder turns into paste, right? I've been lotioning my thighs, that doesn't work either. Biker shorts works. Are biker shorts under skirts back in style too? Kinda cute, in a Blossom kind of way, right?
ReplyDeleteAlso, I thought pantyhose required underpants. Like, pantyhose on first, then underpants over it, like Superman.
oh honey no. throw away the pantyhose. that's what your bikini bottoms are for.
ReplyDeletealso: I've totally almost lost an eye to a nipp once. it wasn't cold. I was doing the nasty. duh.
if you wrote for Glamour Magazine, I would totally buy it.
ReplyDeleteI liked the part with the boobies.
ReplyDeleteAlso if naming your cat after a Renaissance poet does give you enough nerd street cred, I don't even know what does. I guess you could try naming your kid Chewbacca or something.
Ahh! The Ren Fest is such a nipply nerd fest! That's the whole reason I go -- the nerds, not the nipples. Let's be clear on that.
ReplyDeleteI went to a Renaissance Faire this weekend as well. Or, as we call it around here, "Look At My Boobies Boobies Boobies Fest, 2010."
ReplyDeleteBest Fest ever.
i'm one of the ladies with the boobs exposed down to - but not including - the nipple. that's right. i dress up at the ren faire. i refuse to address anyone as 'lord' though. i just like any excuse to wear a corset out of the house and hoist these 40DDs up to my chin.
ReplyDeleteALSO. in my experience, if your thigh-and-crack powder is turning into a paste, it's because you're sweating too much. or producing some other kind of fluid, heh heh.
ALSO ALSO. i have found that all women use pantyhose differently. i have the undies on first, then the pantyhose over them. but there are literally a million uses for pantyhose and how-to-wear-them.
personally, i don't. ever. wear them, that is. i hate them.
All I know is for some reason I can't stop humming "Rock You Like A Hurricane." What are you doing to me with all this talk of Elizabethan nipples and but paste? I need JT to hold me. STAT.
ReplyDeleteRe: Tights.
ReplyDeleteI just bought a pair that I swear I had the exactly same ones in Grd 7 that I used to wear under my cut off jean shorts.
True story.
Nordgies and "demented labia"... I KNEW there was a reason that I eagerly click over to your blog so often :-)
ReplyDeleteI hates pantyhose as well. Obviously they were invented by a man. When I wear them too long, they feel like they are grafting with my inner thigh flesh. (anybody?)
ReplyDeleteLeggings are cool though, especially if you get real bad thigh sweat, like I do. Bonus is that they are trendy or something and I can wear big ass shirts over them and hide my gut. I suppose they work with skirts too, but you're probably going for a more "professional" look, I bet.
(I have gotten so accustomed to working in my pjs that even casual trousers feel stifling.)
I am pretty sure that my sweaty ass would turn that baby powder into paste, as mentioned above. So I will not be experimenting with putting it in the ass/thigh region. (or the hair. I totally tried that in lieu of washing too. What an assload of crap. My hair still looked stringy and gross and seriously dandruff ridden.)
But it works wonders in hubby's stinky shoes!
HAHAHA Holy shit, I can relate to, um, everything in this post!
ReplyDeleteWow, Ren Fair or awkward underwear? Trying to pick a favorite here...
ReplyDeleteHilarious. The first time I got chub-rub I wanted to cry. I'm all about leggings now. Get you some. Or some opague tights. Also, am I to understand that you're wearing stockings (I hate the word pantyhose) in lieu of underwhatnots? Just make sure your lips aren't chapped, it's getting cold out. I guess u could baby powder those badboys up too.
ReplyDeleteAaaand posting my first comment here... now.
Pantyhose are the very reason I only ever wear pants.
ReplyDeleteUnless I have to wear a skirt or dress and then I prefer pantalets because they have ruffles that don't get stuck in ass cracks and are non-chaffing.
Also, you might want to think about laying in a stockpile of undies, that way you only have to do a load of underwear once a month and in the event of a zombie apocalypse you are covered, unless it is laundry day, because then you're screwed.
Make sure you atleast wash your pantyhoses. I worked with a girl once who never did, and her feet smelled like dead mice.
ReplyDeleteOH GAWD, I hope it was her feet.
Since I started feeling the need for powder on my thighs and other parts, I discovered Lush's body powders, specifically one called Silky Underwear, which smells heavenly, and that seems kind of sexy as opposed to utilitarian. Even though it really is just cuz I have giant sweaty thighs. They are comfy and smell nice now, though. Anyways, I'm glad I'm not the only young sexy thing that needs powder to fight chub rub and thigh sweat. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteTo me, Ren Faire = giant turkey leg.
ReplyDeleteMud wrestling, insult slinging and merry wenches always take a back seat to the stick of meat the size of my cranium.
You know where else powder is necessary? Between the boobages, especially when you're pregnant and it's the summer. Except by the end of the day, you just have nasty powder sweat covered boobs, but at least nothing smells bad.
ReplyDeleteNordgy *snort*
nothing says sweet love like leg stubble and chipped toes.
ReplyDeleteIf I had been blessed with giant casaba melons, I too would rock my jugs at a ren faire. Alas, I have but shriveled raisinetts.
ReplyDeleteI named my hedgehog after Jane Austen. There are support groups for people like us. No? Well, there should be.
You know what else'll knock you on your ass? The number of people who legitimately do Civil War Reenactments. And I live in the NORTH.
ReplyDeleteConsider thighs powdered, love.
ReplyDeleteHey there! I am not nerdy enough either for Ren Fest and am in total agreement with you about the nipple sitch there. Is that why guys go to them, I wonder? Although, as with nudist colonies, it's never the nipples you want to see that are there.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your comment on ma lil blog. I appreciate it! I have two questions though - 1) By original, do you euphemistically mean poorly edited and bare-bones? Joking. Thank you. 2) When I do modify or update my posts, as a follower, do you constantly get updates? And if yes, that's horribly annoying, right? I'm still really new to the blogging thing and I apologize, if that's the case. Let me know.
I'm ridiculously jealous of your MFA student status. Congrats, belatedly I suppose, and enjoy. How's it going? I have two little kids too and would love to do this more. As it is I just struggle to teach a night class at a community college (organic chemistry) and periodically update the blog. In three years, though, when my 2 yo is in school full time, I'm going to be on fire.
Thanks again and hope you're having a great weekend!
Have to remember the talc in case I nee to wear pantyhose, hey, us guys have no undies at times because we didn't do laundry. If the wife spies any rips or holes in my boxers she rips the arse out of them and tosses them, she doesn't realize they are the favorite ones.
ReplyDeleteWhat a nice surprise to see my decidedly unhumble website listed in your place of honor, love.
ReplyDeleteYou are now an official DelVecchian.
Stop by the blacklit basement better known as YNBH anytime. Denny will be waiting.
I'm a pants wearer to avoid hose. I think it's because eventually the hose rolls under my belly and then that causes an awkward pulling to get it unrolled and back to it's job of holding everything into a semi hourglass figure. That and I always manage to rub up against something and get a run before I get out of the house.
ReplyDeleteok note to self ~ No reading of Naked Cupcakes while nursing a baby. Laughing so hard trying to read to the bottom ~> forgot to do the mid-session burp so now I am the hottest reader ever with baby throw down the front and back of me with the hair that could use some baby powder since I permed it and can't wash it until tomorrow ~ which of course means that when I can shower it is a "speed shower" aka no leg shaving and yes, YES I do have chipped toe nails.
ReplyDeletePS Amanda ~ nursing boobs and baby powder don't mix for the paste factor unless you've found some kickass powder that I don't know about.
Have you seen the ad for maxipads where they are basically lounging under umbrellas and then a "hurricane of blue fluid" comes over and pours down on them? But they don't mind because they're lounging super absorbent maxipads?
ReplyDeleteYeah, it's disturbing.