Things I do when I come home after being gone for two weeks:
Get surprised by how clean the kitchen is.
Admire the cupcake-candle scent.
Realize each room is clean, not just the presenting kitchen.
See all magazines that came in while I was away, fanned out evenly on the coffee table.
Climax.
Learn the house is without wine.
Shrug. (See climax, above.)
Start watching John Waters movie.
Ask PHubby to pause it so I could catch up with him on life.
Talk for 45 solid minutes about neurotic writer things.
Marvel that someone actually missed me, while I am talking nonstop about things like "my project" and "truth" and "thematic conflict."
Realize I have a captive audience who has been alone in a house for a full week and without spouse for two.
Take care of that situation.
Blog.
Try really hard not to reign in my typical freedom here as more people I know in real life learn about the blog. Hi, all you people I really know. Sorry about my inner monologue. At least you know I won't write about you, unless I already have, in which case, you're fucked. (Hi Mom, PHubby, BFF, Shrimpanzee-lover, and dearfriend (we need a name for you - Greendrip?)
BLOG BLOG LOVE HUG!
ReplyDeleteI may be drunk, please disregard the randomness.
I am glad you're "back", although Twatter has been feeding my habit.
Thank you! I put "Teeth" in my Netflix queue.
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAA Oh I can't wait for the review!
ReplyDeleteAw man, I want to come home to a clean house! And I want a special nick name too - let's pretend you know me in real life. I *did* live in your neighborhood until recently. I bet we bumped in to each other all the time!
ReplyDeletetazer - might have to bump it up in the queue, but the kids are reluctant to get rid of Hercules.
ReplyDeleteKristy - How do you know where I live? *draws the blinds, lights a cigarette, puts it out, paces, realizes they know all*
"Take care of that situation." haha very nice!
ReplyDeleteif i leave awesome husband alone for more than like eight hours, he starts cleaning. i love it.
ReplyDeleteAngie - I believe he agrees. To be fair, after two weeks, I barely have to try for a rating of "very nice."
ReplyDeletesteph gas - Right? Not getting the goods = cleaning.
Fanned out magazines? Dude can rock the foreplay, eh? We're still working on floor play. It involves a mop....
ReplyDelete....and lederhosen.
which john waters movie?
ReplyDeleteYou have magic elves coming to your house? Did they also make a perfect pair of shoes while they're at it?
ReplyDeleteElly Lou - Take photos!
ReplyDeleteSimone - A Dirty Shame
Absence - No. They were horny elves. Not gay elves.
Oh thank god you're back. Glad PHubby had things presentable upon your return - I try to do that for Mrs. C too. Enough about me - when are you going to grace Cynicism101 with your witty banter??
ReplyDeleteThat would totally make me climax too. A wiped off counter top when I get home makes me weak kneed.
ReplyDeleteThings I do after I get my head out of my ass and realize that my favorite nude dessert has actually posted:
ReplyDeleteClimax.
Giggle like a school girl.
Punch myself in the throat for giggling like a school girl.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Open the curtains so everyone can watch.
Run around the house wearing nothing but strategically-placed jazz hands.
Drink whatever I can find in the liquor cabinet.
Climax again. (This time followed by a short denouement)
Polish off the rest of the liquor cabinet.
Move on to the vanilla extract.
Talk for three hours about how much Tori Spelling reminds me of a horse.
More vanilla extract.
More jazz hands.
Pass out in my own vanilla-scented vomit.
Wake up, go back to the computer and comment on said post.
ps. For some reason the word "nude" is really creeping me out...
Nice article, thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteSo that's what being in love is like.
ReplyDeleteI went away for a month with the kids, and came back home to find my house exactly a month filthier than when I went away. Even things that had been on the sink and needing a wash when I left were still there!
ReplyDeleteHow lucky you are!