I have a blog?!
Why didn't you guys tell me?
But seriously, sorry I'm an asshole.
BAHAHA! That was awesome! I'm not at all sorry I'm an asshole.
But, I am sorry I've been lame about posting. No time for the internet in recent weeks. All will heal once the fuckingassholecocksucker election is over and I can stop spending my time dodging the fragile, but overblown, egos of local politicians. Oy.
FYI, there is nothing in this world that brings joy to my soul like the opportunity to paraphrase sweetly and in a beautifully kind way, "Go fuck yourself" to a really, truly unpleasant person, and when I am robbed of that opportunity because I am the one who has made a mistake and turned the wrath of the beast (politician) toward myself ... let's just say I'm not sure anyone else has reached that level of self-loathing.
The important part is that I went to visit a friend, AuntieBoh, this weekend, and while that story is very meaningful to me and I'm going to write about it somewhere else, what's important for this blog is that we went to the local convent (for a reason) and bought some sweets at the nuns' candy shop.
So, I got back to town last night and, this morning, I told BFF that AuntieBoh and I picked up a little something for her at the candy shop run by the nuns.
So, BFF said, suspiciously, "Did you guys get me something inappropriate?"
"Yes," I said. "We got you a dick lollipop made by the nuns."
Also, I have a little advice for you Penna Turnpike travelers:
Should you feel the urge, and you get close to the rest stop in Allentown, I highly recommend stopping there to drop a deuce.
Nothing in this world compares to loudly singing, "Because we're pooping here in Allentown," in the middle stall of a Pennsylvania Turnpike rest station bathroom.
The other travelers really like it.
Bonus points for not washing your hands and butting in line at Starbucks in front of the person who watched you not wash your hands.
Just... ew... about the last line. Ew.
ReplyDeletePS: Write more damn blogs... because we love you.
i like the idea of nuns making wang pops.
ReplyDeleteThis was a very strange post....nuns, dick pops, and a douche canoe in the toilet...your mind is like a labrynth of twisted imagery - I love it.
ReplyDeleteChristina - I love yous guys, too.
ReplyDeleteSherilinR - Me, too, Sherilin. Me, too.
theliminalstate - I can't believe you called me a douche canoe.
I peed in a stall next to a woman who talked on her mobile phone throughout and left without interrupting her conversation to wash her hands. I saw her in the shop outside, still on the phone, thrusting her hand into a plate of cake samples, and THAT, kids, is why you must harden your heart against free food.
ReplyDeleteThanks to you my bucket list has been updated. I now intend to poop, sing and not wash my hands at the Allentown Starbucks before I die.
ReplyDeleteSo I have that to look forward to... which is nice.
SD
simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com
THOSE AREN'T LOLLIPOPS!!
ReplyDeleteDID YOU MAKE HER TAKE YOU TO WEGMANS?????
ReplyDeleteAlso, how many hours were spent discussing politics with the Senator? For realz.
okayiloveyoubye.
I have to sing that song every time I drive through Allentown, pooping or not. I have to sing Billy a lot. Which is awkward, because I'm not a huge fan. Damn you Billy with your white wash tires and miracle miles.
ReplyDeleteP.S. hi!
Yeah that last line....ewwwness!
ReplyDeleteMind you I work on a construction site where the men to women is about 11:1. I just assume there is a shitton of fecal matter around.
never apologize for being an asshole.
ReplyDeleteI think I would be hideously entertained by someone loudly singing in the bathroom stall next to mine. And free food is amazing, but it helps if you know who's been touching it.
ReplyDelete