Just kidding. I'm Catholic. We don't really do Rapture.
I'm in Panera Bread right now. I have a meeting in a half hour, and I just polished off an Orchard Harvest Chicken Salad, which is much better than the last Orchard Harvest Chicken Salad I ordered because I learned from that experience that the cooks at PB take out all their "God told me to drown my children in the bathtub" nonsense on the lettuce-in-a-vat-of-dressing they consider a well-balanced salad.
They totally would have gotten around to drowning their children, but they work at Panera Bread. Motivation is hard to come by. (Says the judgmental asshole with the unemployed husband! Huzzah!)
I ordered the dressing on the side this time, and I'm pretty sure I saw the salad bar lady's eye twitching.
I wonder if the Rapture happened right now how many of these other diners would be taken away. I'm wondering mostly because there are a lot of sandwiches on these tables, and maybe some cookies, and I'm not saying I would eat their sloppy seconds, but I'm not not saying it either. Have you had one of these fudge chunk chocolate cookies? They're sensational.
The shirt I'm wearing today is super cute and I totes got it at a secondhand store, but it was all new with the tags still on, and I was really happy. But this blouse is slippery and it's playing peek-a-booby with all the creepy people I deal with daily, and I'm not psyched.
I could button my cardigan a little higher, but then, what would I have to tell my blog readers?
Sacrifice, is what it's called. I am literally flashing my tits at local politicians with dementia-related sexual impropriety to keep you people happy.
Another fashion victory for Sarah P and Naked Cupcakes.
You're welcome.
You really DO sacrifice for us. I feel I do the same and it usually becomes psychologically disturbing for my kids, but it's a sacrifice we must make as bloggers.
ReplyDeleteAnd the panera cookies are indeed amazing.
People like you make Panera a better place to eat. Its like old school rock and roll bands that have trouble selling out their concerts. They give strippers a bunch of tickets in the front rows. Panera ought to give you free food for nipple flashes.
ReplyDeleteNext time put some glittery nipple pasties on. Give 'em a real show.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your fashion victory... you win! I started going to Panera in the mornings for the egg souffles. That way I get great food, super coffee drinks, but no "I will kill you and your children and your face" stares from the sandwich or salad line folks :-)
ReplyDeleteway to keep it classy while you covet the cookies of others. i love a good boob flash while i'm dining.
ReplyDeleteOnce at Panera the owner dude came by and gave me a free cookie sample and I was worried I'd have to blow him under the table again but then I noticed all kinds of people were eating little cookie samples around me and I figured he couldn't have that much jizz left so it would be fine. I like cookies. And cold meds. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteI'll see your boobie side flash and raise you an inappropriate cleavage flash, Missie. Oh and btw, hi! Hope you're less crazy busy and having to deal less with crazy politicians. What kind of a job do you have?
ReplyDeleteSo anyway, I teach a night class and, while I am very happily married, there happens to be an extremely handsome student in my class. You may be able to see where this is going. Maybe not. Anyway, I have no idea how much over 20 he is, but he is. Shut it. And probably not everyone would think he was handsome, and, well, I'll say it, fuckhawt, but I do. Happily married.
I always feel like a complete schmo around him, because I am, and last night was no different. I should also add, at this point, that he in no way knows that I have a hormonally charged inner teenage girl in my head ruling my thoughts but not my actions.
So I'm walking down the hallway after a class break and I see him coming to class late (he had a court date. Yea. As a defendent, as it turns out. I was holding out hope that he was a witness, but no.) I then notice one of my four year old sneakers was untied but my dilemma was that I'm wearing a v-neck tshirt (umm, schmo). Do I stop and tie my shoe, flashing him? Or do I schlepp to class with my shoe untied, looking even more like a schmo than usual? Went with tying my shoe and inadvertently (I swear to gah in a court of law, with which, it turns out, he is very familiar) flashed cleavage.
Probably not a big deal to a normal person, but I had a bit of a hard time recovering composure. Hope it's ok to ramble. Had to get that out. Bye!
Oh, I'm sorry. I must have taken a wrong turn. I was looking for a story about a Renaissance Faire and nipples and thigh paste? I could have sworn it was here the last twenty-four times I came by. Hmm...
ReplyDeleteWell, anyway, I'm glad I accidentally came over here because there's stuff about boobies here too.
Peek-a-boobies with politicians? Don't worry, I bet they've played it before with interns.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Any post that involves boobies and delicious Panera sandwich gets my absolute endorsement.
I'm guessing that Panera is another one of those brilliant restaurant/cafes that I'll only get to see on television because my Canadianism prevents me from being exposed to anything even remotely delicious aside from ketchup chips and Cadbury Mini-Eggs.
ReplyDeleteLife sucks.
Do you think that if the Rapture happened and people had to leave their sandwiches and cookies they would be super pissed at God and ask God to go back to Panera or at least postpone the Rapture until they were done eating their cookies because the cookies really are that awesome? Just wondering. It's these deep questions about the universe that keep me up at night.
ReplyDeleteI'm always sort of rooting for the Rapture, because I think of all the nice stuff I could take.
ReplyDeleteAh, I love your commitment to your blog readers. You are really an inspiration.
ReplyDeleteI felt the Rapture last night, as a matter of fact, when I was sitting in Panera Bread eating a Toffee Nut Cookie (er, crackie) and dipping it in coffee. Mmmmm.
Damn you. Now I'm dying for a cookie. Not bad enough that we're now down low enough in our box of Halloween candy that we may need to buy another one if we intend to actually give out anything to the kids.
ReplyDeleteBut it's taunting me.
That was you?
ReplyDeleteSorry about that. I really did drop my keys under your table.
For 18 seconds.
So I'm down here to do some stuff I have to do before going to bed and I'm all like "check her blog and see what comments she got" and then I'm all like "hey she posted and didn't tell me. she always tells me when there is a post so I can be among the first to bask in its moist, delicious hilarity" and then I read it and I'm all like "now I get it, Mrs. Naked Cupcakes/Local Franchise Eatery Sneaky Nipple Salad is playing Peep My Twin Peaks with the indigenous carb loaders and blogging about it behind my back. And to think I cleaned your espresso machine that day...
ReplyDeleteI wish I was a local politicians with dementia-related sexual impropriety.
ReplyDelete