Where to start.
Hi. I'm a blogger. And I have pain medication.
It's not as fun as people say, because the pain is still there. I'm just in a less pitiful mood about it.
Also, I got to drink a bunch of barium this morning before a CT scan, and the radiologist told me after the scan that I should drink extra water today to help flush it out and also that my poop would be white. I'm seriously considering taking a picture of it when it happens.
Would you guys want to see that?
Phubby says it will be like dropping the Partridge family off at the pool, and I still can't decide if that's (a) racist, (b) the funniest thing I've ever heard, or (c) both.
So, for years I've been ...
OK, I'm going to be real honest here. I wrote the first part of that sentence, and I know it had something to do with Cat Stevens, because I left this post to go research him for about 25 minutes, but then I came back to the post and I have no idea what I was going to write.
But I now know what inspired him to write the hit "Moonshadow." Spoiler for all you in the midst of your Cat Stevens research: He was dancing on some rocks in Spain at night.
Have you ever had to drink a vanilla barium shake? Because it's disgusting, by the way. I think the vanilla makes it worse. Like urinal cakes make bathrooms worse. My daughter was at work with me last week, and she asked what the pink thing was inside the toilet there. (It's a urinal-cake-type thing.)
I told her it was there to make the potty smell a little fresher. So, before I could stop her, she grasped the toilet seat two-handed, leaned her head over the toilet, took a deep breath, and with a face of peaceful bliss let out a big "Aahhhhh." It was like a carpet powder commercial.
And I still let her kiss me on the mouth. Motherhood is all about having no dignity whatsoever. You will endure any disgusting task, including the monitoring of whatever crud is oozing out of your child at any given moment, just to make sure your kids are safe and healthy. It's pathetic. It would be a pathological problem in any other relationship.
Although pet owners do it, too. We used to have a dog who thought the litter box was full of chewy treats with crunchy coating. Whenever we caught her and called out her name, she'd wag her tail and come out half-snarling, like she was really happy we'd left her so many treats. And we let her kiss us on the mouth regularly.
Huh. Only now am I connecting the filthy life I live with whatever is going on with my body. Blogging = self-realization. I got to see Dr. TwoFingers, but it was a boringly appropriate visit. Still, it's nice to think of old times.
I'm all about poop stories. You have to post a picture. This gives me fond memories of the week or so I had to poke through my son's poop to look for a penny he allegedly swallowed.
ReplyDeleteNo allowed being a pooptease. You HAVE to post pictures of the elusive albino poo. Some may never get the opportunity to see it in their lifetime and you would even CONSIDER begrudging your faithful readers such an opportunity?
ReplyDeleteIt's not often that something can trample on Denny's nonexistent sensibilities.
ReplyDeleteThe world will be a better place without you posting that on your site.
Just send it only to me.
My cats lick each other's asses, and then kiss me. I'm not sure why my doctor keeps testing me for cat scratch fever, though. Talk about a hypochondriac.
ReplyDeleteWhat's wrong with your bum, Sarah P? I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.
ReplyDeleteI keep laughing about the snarling grateful dog.
I'm off now to go click on that Asian writing on your sidebar.
Here's hoping that your undercarriage is up and running again soon.
ReplyDeletePlease tell me you were at least wearing raspberry panties with hot pink trim and "purrrr" (it has to be 4 R's) stamped across the ass.
ReplyDeleteI hope they fix what ails ya. If I had to guess, I'd say it has something to do with your drinking vanilla barium. Everyone knows strawberry barium is the way to go.
we too had a dog who enjoyed kitty krunchies. although it's true that pet owners will do the same for their pets as many parents do for their children. i regularly dig through the litterboxes to check the health of our four cats. currently there is a heavier ammonia smell than usual, which probably means that my oldest's kidneys are degrading even further. which will prompt me to make his annual vet visit a bit earlier to get some bloodwork done.
ReplyDeleteanyway.
dropping the partridge kids at the pool is as racist as dropping the cosby kids at at the pool. and probably funnier.
Your daughter is hilarious.
ReplyDeleteI wrote a blog about a post-surgical poop once called "Big Bertha." I didn't post pictures.
A few things - yea, enemas are horrible. I'm so sorry and hope you feel better soon. I'm with Denny D - don't post, just send it to him.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, re disgusting dog practices, my mom told me her friends made up a word for that - schmecking. The eating poop thing. I should see if it's in urban dictionary yet. So, spread that around. Get it? Spread it around? Yeaaaa.
Thirdly, I had a third point. Crap. Oh yea! I have a child in diapers and a dog who won't stop crapping in my house, so it is a life goal of mine (attainable in the next few years, fingers crossed) that I won't have to clean up other people's shit on a daily basis. A life goal. That's all I want.
Please.
Feel better.
albino poop? that would be a new one. :D
ReplyDelete"Motherhood is all about having no dignity whatsoever. You will endure any disgusting task, including the monitoring of whatever crud is oozing out of your child at any given moment, just to make sure your kids are safe and healthy. It's pathetic. It would be a pathological problem in any other relationship." <-- This is the most profound thing I have read in ages. And I'm even a mother yet.
ReplyDeleteAnd this: "We used to have a dog who thought the litter box was full of chewy treats with crunchy coating." Is the funniest. Especially since my dog does this too and at first we thought maybe she was fatally stupid or something.
Oh, how you make me laugh!
I'd like to see white poop! Because now I am curious and if you don't post pics I have to google it. And you never know what you'll get with Google searches.
ReplyDelete"He was dancing on some rocks in Spain at night." Dammit! That's worse than spoiling the end of Inception! Now what do I devote my entire research program to?!
ReplyDeleteI would love to see a picture of white poop. You know, they always say that if you get hepatitis, you will get white poop, or gray poop, or whatever, and I want to know what that looks like so that I'll, you know, know.
ReplyDeleteAlso it wouldn't phase me at all. I look at someone else's poop on a daily basis, so it's cool. It's actually what keeps me from throttling men in suits when they come into my office.
Your VULVAR area, Sarah? What the fuck is that? I had to Google "Vulvar area," and do you know what the Wiki definition is? Do you have any freaking idea?
ReplyDeleteWell, douchetard, the "vulvar area" is a region in the Vagistar Clamidius solar system first discovered by Captain James T. Kirk in 1968 while on a peace-keeping mission for the Galactic Federation of Faggy Planets. It has nothing at all to do with your vagina, except for that fact that gravity does not exist in either place.
And quit your faggy whining about barium, you pussy! I put fucking barium in my coffee as motherfucking creamer. I use urinal cakes as a sweetner. My colon looks like the exhaust pipe of a showroom '57 Chevy. My anus is so healthy it does 100 pushups every morning before I get out of bed. I haven't had to shit in six years because turds respect my healthy pink butthole and dissipate before they even start. I literally scare the shit out of myself.
And really, Sarah ... Dr. TwoFingers? Just who the fuck are you trying to kid? Everybody here knows that fisting you is like trying to punch a life preserver in the face. Your gyno no doubt is shoving a speculum the size of a car jack into your vajayjay and you assume it's two fingers.
As if.
That was romantic.
ReplyDeletei always wondered why someone would write such inane lyrics as "i'm being followed by a moonshadow." yeah, this didn't help.
ReplyDeletethe vanilla makes it worse like urinal cakes make bathrooms worse. best analogy ever!
My father once told me that my cologne smelled like a hockey locker room urinal cake. True story.
ReplyDeleteyes, you definitely must post pics of your white poop. now that's something you don't see any day.
ReplyDelete