Goddamn, I love Wu-Tang.
Can we talk about my chubby? Not boner-chubby. My chubby, chubby bod.
The Notorious Sar Ah Pea is watching her weight. Via Weight Watchers.
You might say, Why, Sarah? Why? You seem like such a down-to-earth person! You're not caught up with appearances or that extra bubble of cellulite just below your ass that, seriously, we've all noticed, but just haven't said anything about.
Indeed, I barely ever talk about that weird flap of fat-filled skin that flops over my Cesarean scar. Except when I'm trying to turn men on or when I'm doing bar tricks. Because I'm classy.
Sar Ah Pea has two weight thresholds, above which Sarah P's body reacts poorly - not counting the puffy double-chin and thick upper arms that belong on a person with much bigger boobs.
As I pass the first threshold, my knees ache. They creak when I walk down the stairs in the morning, and as I push my luck four or five pounds past that threshold, pumps, kitten heels and platforms must be avoided. As the mom pants come out, so must the flats. Fanciness is eight pounds earlier.
It's Dockers-and-punchy-loafers time. Spring is in the air! It's an awkward wardrobe time. Always too hot or too cold. Lots of Cadbury Creme Eggs.
Sarah P. Likes: Cadbury Creme Eggs, sitting on the couch, pooping in the morning
Sarah P. Dislikes: Beets, hot lettuce, hemorrhoids
Putting too many pounds on this delicate frame produces a tender, fleshy venous area on my anus. Hemorrhoids turn calming, centering morning poops into painful, sweaty, scream-suppressing marathons.
So, I'm losing weight. I'll post my progress. Not like a health blogger. Like a chubby writer girl with four-year-old twins, a full-time job and a less-than-normal affinity for the video game Zelda. (True story: Saw a tall, out-of-shape, high-school nerd in an "I <3 Zelda" shirt a few years ago. Considered dry humping him.) Translation: Maybe I'll post something, but only if it's horrendously embarrassing. Because "Awkward" is my middle name.
Love,
Sarah Awkward P.
Fat Hemorrhoidal Blogger
Super P.S. Like the new digs? Me, too. Thank you, Sillygrrl, for being the raddest non-hemorrhoidal web designer EVZ.
wow, you make yourself sound super dooper sexy! wanna hang out in lingerie, eat cadbury eggs and compare c-sec belly flaps?
ReplyDeleteooooh, nice new template! (:
ReplyDeleteI have that fat protusion above the c-section scar too. I asked my gyno (not as cool as yours, just sayin that up front) about whether it was a tumor and she just chuckled. And then I clocked her with my knees and had to be escorted out in the goddamned paper open in the back robe thingy. Talk about embarrassing. Anywhoo, nice to know I'm not alone in my freakiness.
ReplyDeleteGood luck on the Weight Watchers and something that might be fun/awkward would be to take the opportunity during the group therapy sessions to try to alienate as many people as possible. It seems like that would be fun, because lately, I'm taking my normal social awkwardness and just marvelling at it and then trying to exaggerate it. It passes the time, what can I say.
Oh and I like the new digs too! Yay!
The new digs are even sexier than hemorrhoids. But just barely. Also if I have a c-section, I get to do bar tricks? That's the best news I've heard yet. Did they name that after Julius? Is my uterus pager friendly? Jesus I'm exhausted.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to cover your cellulite bubble in fat free caramel sauce and do naughty things to it. <>
ReplyDeletePeeps are my downfall.
ReplyDeleteBefore and after pics of anus would allow your readers a better connection.
ReplyDeleteJust a thought.
I'll see your 'rroids and raise you a chaffey inner thigh area.
ReplyDeleteI still remember what bushes to burn in the original Legend of Zelda. And when my game freaks out, I know how to fix it: blow on the prongy bit in the cartridge.
Wanna do WW meeting together? Too soon?
We need to start a revolution. A revolution to make that flap of belly fat sex-ay. You know you love it, boys! You love our flaps of belly skin!
ReplyDeleteYes, I dig the new look. My poor blog seems to be stuck in generic land. Remind me to pester my IT boy again.
She's so fay-at! I wish she'd just shut her fay-at face!
ReplyDeleteYou make it sound like you've been spending time in the fattening hut. I'm sure you look sexy as ever.
"...tender, fleshy venous area on my anus" is my new safe word. I know I say that a lot, but this time I mean it.
ReplyDeleteI heart your new blog-do!
I'm dieting too and I'm still at that stage in the dieting where I am STARVING!! Cool new template though. It makes you look skinny.
ReplyDeleteSherilinR - DO I?!
ReplyDeleteLemons - Thanks! I like the cupcake guy. He's scrappy.
Penelope - I like to make mine talk and do little dances. Last week, I had my annual. When it was done, Dr. TwoFingers shook my hand, and I fuck you not, WINKED. I must have an amazing cervix.
Elly Lou - Indeed, Julius was birthed out the front. You should totally get a C-section! I call my scar my Brittney. What would you call yours?
PHubby - Let's make a fat bubble baby.
Ed - Those I can resist.
Denny - Maybe video!
Nicole - Baby powder: friend of the chubby thigh.
Kristy - That's why IT ladies are best.
Linda S. - Wide Load.
convo - I think if you switch your safe word a lot, it's better. Sometimes you forget what it is and you have to go through the whole list, and the nipple clamps just keep getting tighter.
Amanda - I like the mean cupcake guy. Luckily, I'm not starving because I have a cold. I don't want to eat anything!
Do you think that we could just return our children at Walmarts customer service area and get our old bodies back?
ReplyDeleteYou had me at hello - and also "not-boner chubby." Best of luck with the weight loss. I'm in the summer-induced market to lose a few as well, I'm going to do that 17 day diet craze that's ripping the internet to shreds. Looks like we'll both be hungry for several weeks to a month; enjoy!
ReplyDeleteLoving the new layout girl! I am pretty sure that we have the same body. That whole flap over the c-section scar is hawt!
ReplyDeleteLol you had me at "Fat Hemorrhoidal Blogger". <3
ReplyDeletefanciness was eight pounds ago! you crack my ass up. i'm with you on the hemmorhoids and beets but i like my lettuce hot especially if its from a warm bacon dressing.
ReplyDeleteps: love the new look.
ReplyDeleteYeah, video works. Beta.
ReplyDeleteYou post less than me. We need to start working out again.
I don't like to let on (I'm the kind of gal who won't tell my life partner my weight) but I do weight watchers, too. Now that I'm not drinking 6 days a week it's a LOT easier. Also now that fruit is zero points. Holler! More apples anyone?!
ReplyDeleteI never really got into Zelda. Just felt...lonely. But I feel that somehow I am unable to live up to my true geek potential as a result. On the plus side, I am plenty geeky enough to have an opinion on Zelda in the first place.
ReplyDelete(and to also get hot at the thought of nerds in T-shirts. ;) Raor.)
French fries are mine! Good luck, though. I just keep staring at people in bikinis and it's my motivation to keep going. Hopefully it works for you, too!
ReplyDelete-Ava
Any post that successfully incorporates the word "chubby" has got my vote.
ReplyDeleteNice article, thanks for the information.
ReplyDeleteFuck a C-section, SP, you're full-on Section 8, and I don't mean Klinger in a faggy dress and pumps crazy (I should tell you that one time in college I got so high I jerked it while fantasizing about Klinger in a peasant blouse, white tights and toe nail polish -- shhhhh!), I mean off your rocker crazy.
ReplyDeleteI don't even fucking know what Zelda is, but I'm sure it ain't no Dig Dug. And how in hell can you have a "less than normal affinity" for it, you freakin' rice paddy? Normal would be NOTHING, because even though I don't know what it is, I know it's gay. Way gay. Ungodly gay and NOBODY WANTS to play Zelda, including you, apparently.
Normally, I would let such a silly typo go because I am, after all, so perfect nobody can live up to my standard of excellence ... okay, maybe Ricky Bobby, but like he says, he pisses excellence AND he full-on tounged a really gay French dude on a race track. He may live up to my standard of excellence, but you fall far shy. You ain't no Ricky Bobby.
Shit, you ain't even Klinger, and I'm so fucking high right now I could ass rape a 22-pound turkey and fondle its giblets.
Say! Do you wear toe nail polish?
"Sarah P. Likes: Cadbury Creme Eggs, sitting on the couch, pooping in the morning". Not all at the same time, I'm guessin'.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm a little afraid of Patrick Jihad.
Post soon or I will reduce my site visits to only twice a day.
ReplyDeleteDeal.
You make me happy. Period.
ReplyDelete