MOM: Just stop reading this blog altogether. It will be better for both of us.
Good things about having pink eye
1. No one wants to share your popcorn.
2. Staying in sweatpants all day.
3. When you're home alone all day, you can masturbate, like, nonstop, until you get all sweaty and frustrated because you've been masturbating too much. Actually, this might be a negative.
3. Bed all to yourself.
4. No dish washing.
5. No one comes close enough to know you sharted, like, three hours ago and haven't changed your clothes. Again, this is possibly a negative.
Bad things about having pink eye
1. No one wants to be in the same room as you.
2. Your loneliness leads you to watch a lot of TV.
3. You start crying about things you see on TV. Like missing children, war, and the kid on the cookie dough commercial who had a really tough day at school.
4. Also, why can't Kelly Ripa find a host? She's so perky.
5. Obsessively editing your manuscript, convincing yourself that you are a terrible writer and should stop trying altogether. This involves lots of pacing and talking to yourself.
I honestly thought you were referring to Phubby with this post. You had me convinced with the sharting masturbater (sorry Phubs). Kelly Ripa bash sounded more personal and continue with the whole negative list ... Sarah P all the way.
ReplyDeleteWould have been the best signature ever to sign it Sarah P. Makes you look like your pee hole is crusty though. Sweaty, sharty crusty vag could lead to a custy pee hole though =) leave it to me to provide a positive side to pink eye for you
Bff8 out!
You might actually be the most fucked up person I know.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI thought I was the only one who did the masturbating thing.
ReplyDeleteHigh five! Wait, on second thought...
Some blogger long ago wrote something about chit-chatting with her friends about being honest with their mothers, and she wrote something like, "Last night, I had two Lean Cuisines and a Budweiser for dinner, and then I masturbated through an entire episode of Law & Order."
Deleteugh, i don't even have pink eye and i'm suffering through ALL OF THAT.
ReplyDeletei may have to toss my vibrator, i think it gave me a UTI last time i used it. which is WAY worse than pink eye.
your manuscript is fine, tell your inner critic to fuck the fuck off. :)
Holy shit. UTIs are the worst. Toss that fucker. Get a new one. *Which reminds me I have to write a sex toy review for a sex toy some company sent me, like, 10 months ago.*
DeleteCrying when you have pink eye is a surefire way to spark a public health scare. I'll watch for you on the news.
ReplyDeleteI'm usually on the news for completely different reasons.
DeleteI spent a good 10 minutes trying to come up with a comment for this post. But you, milady, have left me speechless.
ReplyDeleteWas it the image of someone with pink eye masturbating? Because I felt bad about myself, if it helps.
DeletePositive- you will finally wash your sheets, and after all that masterbating, they will probably need it. :)
ReplyDeleteSILVER LINING!!!
DeleteFive bucks says there's a whole community devoted to producing pink-eye porn. Conjunctivitis Uniteus!
ReplyDeleteBUSINESS IDEA!!
Delete"When you're home alone all day, you can masturbate, like, nonstop, until you get all sweaty and frustrated because you've been masturbating too much." Ohhhhh... I didn't realize that this was supposed to be only an "at home" activity. Perhaps this is why all my coworkers are mortified by me. It's all making sense now. Your pink eye has taught me a valuable lesson Sarah -- and for that I am eternally grateful.
ReplyDeleteYou're WELCOME.
Delete