Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Sorr-EE, I'm writing a motherfucking book, OK?

Don't get excited.  I don't have a publisher or any prospects really.  I'm writing it for grad school.

It's about being Catholic and not Catholic, about converting to a religion that pisses me off.  It's partially about doing that before I got married, to honor my grandparents, who fell asleep during the wedding anyway.  It's partially about not knowing how to decorate with saints and apostles.

It's also about premarital sex and some about marital sex.  And feminism.  And equal rights.  And not knowing when to stand up or sit down or break out the kneeler.  About talking back to my priest.  About being friends with a bona fide recipient of a medical miracle (ha! bona.).  And how that influenced my decision, and how her handling of her secular ideals helps me to handle mine.  How, you ask?  Liquor.

So, it's like this blog, only with more blasphemy and extra honesty.

NOW, how are y'all?  Since I've been gone, Elly Lou had a baby!  Congratulations, lady!  When I was mother to newborns, the nurses told me that every time George Costanza got sucked off, my uterus contracted a little bit.  Suck by suck, it's now down to the size of your nana's purse.  No worries, Elly, you'll still have plenty of room to store your hanky and chalky mints. (For those of you who don't understand that, follow the motherfucking link and catch up.) 

I have two new posts coming, but I wanted to say hi and apologize to you, dear readers, and reintroduce myself to the Internet before posting about sex toys and awkward conversations with my mother.  As usual, you're fucking welcome.

What should I read first? Tell me!
Posted by Unknown at 1:50 PM
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16 comments:

  1. KristyNovember 16, 2011 at 2:03 PM

    I love it when you post, but when you go long periods of time NOT posting, it makes me feel better about slacking on my blog - so, WINNING!

    In my defense, I'm writing a book to!! And it's SMUT - so, MORE WINNING!

    I will of course let you know when it comes out.

    xo - looking forward to the rabid posting.

    ReplyDelete
  2. KristyNovember 16, 2011 at 2:04 PM

    Ugh. I meant TOO, not to. Jezus.

    ReplyDelete
  3. A Little LucidityNovember 16, 2011 at 2:30 PM

    Holy shit, I love you. I need to start dropping the f bomb on my blog. It's still PG-13.

    http://justlucy78.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousNovember 16, 2011 at 2:32 PM

    You were about to work in bona and licker ... I mean liquer all in one post. Aww so proud of you =) keep them coming ho

    ReplyDelete
  5. Elly LouNovember 16, 2011 at 3:43 PM

    A book?!?!I'm so excited might piddle. Good thing this baby is super absorbent.

    Also you have ads for a Christian dating site on your blog. Not sure why I find that so amusing,but I do. I really do.

    ReplyDelete
  6. SimoneNovember 16, 2011 at 7:54 PM

    congrats on writing the book. cannot wait to check it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. UnknownNovember 16, 2011 at 9:24 PM

    i was going to write a book. but, you know. i'm lazy.

    ReplyDelete
  8. UnknownNovember 17, 2011 at 7:51 AM

    Kristy - You're a terrible speller. Feel more shame. ;)

    justlucy - I am a member of the pro-F-Bomb lobby.

    Elly Lou - OK, but it's not a I've-Got-An-Agent-Or-A-Book-Contract kind of book, so you're probably just piddling because your vaginal floor muscles are weak from childbirth. Or that time you set the world record for popping ping pong balls out of your sacred lady hole.

    Simone - Haha. Maybe if I don't get it published, I'll do one of those self-publishing deals.

    steph gas - word. *fist bump*

    ReplyDelete
  9. UnknownNovember 17, 2011 at 7:52 AM

    Oh! And Anonymous - You're a whore. Love you. :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. AnonymousNovember 17, 2011 at 10:58 AM

    Okay, having converted for a spouse, I'm interested in reading this book. Do you need a reader?

    ReplyDelete
  11. AnonymousNovember 17, 2011 at 12:54 PM

    I'm writing a book, too. It's going to be called: "If Blood Ain't Comin' Outta My Ears, I'm OK" Look for it at your local car wash. Next to the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band CDs.

    ReplyDelete
  12. alonewithcatsNovember 17, 2011 at 7:07 PM

    Bloggers who post daily really piss me off. Or make me jealous that their lives are so fucking awesome that not only do funny things happen to them ALL THE TIME but they also have the opportunity to write every day. And it comes out perfect, no editing required. Because of the awesomeness.

    Anyway, I appreciate your solidarity. Let's not post every day forever.

    Also, book!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. pattypunkerNovember 18, 2011 at 8:46 PM

    how to decorate with saints and apostles would be a fabulous coffee table picture book.

    also, i gave up on the whole stand up, sit down, kneeler thing. i stand or i sit. i don't respond to the priest with group chants/phrases. i don't do sing along prayer. but i'd have to say that kneeling shit is the most sadistic thing i've ever come across. and i work in corporate america where sadism is an artform.

    ReplyDelete
  14. dufmannoDecember 2, 2011 at 9:11 PM

    I insist anyone at the tip of the book writing spear go at it with such gusto that they risk some sort of hernia. Also, I'm available to pose for the cover of your book on catholicism in the plaid jumper and kneesocks I've kept since graduating high school. You'll have to hire your own nun to hit me with a ruler though...

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  15. JUST MEDecember 16, 2011 at 12:15 PM

    I grew up Catholic. Every Sunday it was an hour of standing, kneeling, sitting and avoiding people who wanted to shake your hand.

    Pure torture.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Steve BaileyJanuary 2, 2012 at 5:23 PM

    Good luck on the book.... sounds.... uh... spirited and freekin awesome! So kick some ass on the writing and happy new years!

    ReplyDelete

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