Romance at the Dollar Store: Your One-Stop Shop

This is a little late for Valentine's Day this year, but friendly advice isn't seasonal, right?

One evening a couple weeks ago ...
I am on my way home from a nearby town's mayor-and-council meeting, so I call PHubby to see if I should pick up anything on the way home.
He says we're low on cat food (totes my fault for forgetting to pick it up earlier in the day), so I agree to stop at this town's grocery store (which I hate because it's dirty, understocked, overpriced and always full of very weird, leering people).
I pull into the crowded parking lot and think, "Oh hell, there's a snowstorm coming. Every crazy in this town is currently inside the grocery store."
And there are a lot of crazies in this town.
Just then, the electric yellow glow of the dollar store sign shines brighter than the star of Bethlehem. It calls to me, a sign from above. I bet I could find cat food there and be back in my warm minivan in less than 5 minutes.
SCORE!
Into the Family Dollar, I hustle, the cold winter winds whipping my hair into my eyes. As I waddle myself into the store, I am innocent to the wonders I will behold under the flickering fluorescent lights and liquid-stained ceiling tiles.
The store smells of the floor cleaner we used to mop the floor at the ice cream shop where I held my first job at age 15. Well, it's cleanish, I thought, but then I remembered we probably did a bad job cleaning on account of all the whip-its. I shake the thought from my head.
Straight ahead, I see a clothing section. I am surprised! I didn't know dollar stores had clothes! OK, then.

I wander for a minute, without a clear idea of where pet supplies might be. I ask a couple of teenagers who are flirting and stocking shelves in the back. They direct me to the front of the store, opposite the entrance.

As I make my way to the front corner of the store, I walk up an aisle in which large area rugs are being sold for $9. How is that even possible?

Soon, I find myself in the makeup/toiletries section. Hm. No cat food here. But, wait!? What's this?

(click to enlarge)

This is miraculous! If I had a burning need for laxatives, I never would think to go to the dollar store. No more. The variety! The selection! The prices!

And, really, what is the first thing you think to do when you have some sort of object wedged too far up your rectum? Call 911? Knock on the neighbor's door? Use a butter knife as a lever?

No need, my friends. Relieve Enema is available for the low, low price of $1.25 at your neighborhood dollar store. You could find $1.25 loose change in your hooker's wig, dude. That is a bona fide bargain.

After snapping a photo with my cell phone, about six feet from a store employee who doesn't seem to think it is at all odd that I am taking pictures of the butt product display, I continue my search for the cat food.

I find the cat food in the next aisle, between the candy in retired packaging and the Ajax.

Just as I am about to check out, something catches my eye. Is it? Could it be? Why, it is! A Valentine's Day gift display!

At first, I am bewildered. (click to enlarge)

My initial shock at seeing The Lord's Prayer, a Grandma poem and stuffed animals so very close to thongs and negligees quickly wears off as I wonder what made a person decide to gather those items together? And why separate the lingerie from the the underwear hanging on the front wall?

I decide it doesn't matter. The prices can't be beat! I quickly gather everything I need for a special Valentine's Day.

As I make my way to the register, I pat myself on the back for being a savvy shopper.

My advice to you: next year, skip the cards and candy, forget the flowers and chocolate. Head down to your local dollar store and get everything you need for all the Valentines in your life.