Book Reviews About Books I Didn't Read: Tiger Moms

Here's an idea. I like to form opinions about books I haven't read. Here, I will share them with you, so you can pick your reading list based on my opinions which are based on general ideas, whether the cover is cute, and what media outlets are saying about the book. It's like the Cliff's Notes for Cliff's Notes. With awesome opinions.

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Moms by Amy Chua

Tiger Moms is a book written by a Chinese American lady who is kind of racist against Chinese American ladies because it's a parody of how to be a really mean mom, which is what all Chinese American mothers are because they beat their children's knuckles until they practice piano for five years straight until the children decide to be perfect or die.

I disagree with that form of parenting. It's better to raise children like White American moms do. Henceforth, we will call them White Tiger Moms because that feels appropriately wrong.

Lots of people have been taking this book seriously because it's certainly not just the best marketing campaign ever. But no one is really talking about the race issues, which are just below the surface. This book is a straight-up throw-down challenge, and White Tiger Moms are nothing if not fighters. Ever heard that country song about wearing K-Mart underwear and saying "hey y'all?" It's pretty kick-ass, and that's how white women do things. I'm pretty sure.

That's what white women do on television shows anyway, because that's how I know about how to be a white lady. I watched lots of TV as a child when I should have been screaming out of stress at my mother to please let me stop practicing my abacus long enough to wipe the blood off my hands, because my mother was very lazy and didn't want me to be successful. That's why she snuggled me and read me stories. That bitch.

So, I think the best way to raise children is the White Tiger Mom way. Everyone knows being a lazy, pothead parent produces the best children.

It is only out of sheer neglect and abundance of resources children of White Tiger Moms get laid much earlier than their Tiger-Mom-raised counterparts. Furthermore, children of White Tiger Moms cost less over time.

A top mathematician who is absolutely real and not a figment of the author's imagination described the phenomenon:

You see, an investment in high-quality, vitamin-enriched baby formula diluted with nutritionally perfect breast milk instead of water, with an Omega-3 brain-booster shot of ground sardines and flaxseed, which is what all Chinese American Mothers do and we know that, because that's what one Chinese American lady who went to Yale wrote in a book one time, is much better for gray matter than cheese curls saturated with Mountain Dew, the traditional diet of the White Tiger Mom children.

The Tiger Mother's baby's brain grows bigger, allowing more information in, increasing the chances the child will be accepted into an ivy league school, where the administration is likely to take advantage of the parents' desire for the children to attend and not offer any financial aid.

Meanwhile, the White Tiger Mom's kid gets adult-onset diabetes at age 4 and cannot play sports ever again. The White Tiger child then gets an amphetemine called Adderall prescribed for hyperactivity and coasts through the teen years drinking beer on the weekends, not turning in all his homework, on B-minuses.

But, because the child is "learning disabled," the state university is happy to take it to meet diversity standards and will even pat it on the back for trying so hard by giving the White Tiger child a scholarship for being not-retarded but still slow enough for the special class.

This is when the White Tiger Mom's plan really takes hold.

Underachieving White Tiger Mom's kid goes off to discounted state school and meets Inferiority Complex Tiger Mother's child who didn't make it in to the ivy league school and has very low self-worth. The low self-worth makes the Tiger kid fall in love with the White Tiger kid, and it's a match.

White Tiger child achieved the same things as the Tiger child with a third of the work and a third of the money.

And White Tiger mothers? We get to use the leftover time and funds on obvious highlights and skinny jeans. Target run, bitches! Go, Team Aniston.

Ball's in your court, Tiger bitch.