Your Friday Lenten Prayer Service, or How I Ruined the Curve for Everyone

Once upon a time, there was a guy named Jesus, and he did a bunch of cool stuff.

Also, he never sinned, which is kind of a big deal if you consider that he wasn't allowed to eat pork, which means? No bacon. He lived to be 33 years old, no bacon, not even once - and they hadn't invented imitation bacon bits yet. That's some serious shit right there.

Anyway, turns out? He was GOD, right? Only in man form. And it totally. blew. everyone's. mind.

So, he was like, "OK, listen up, people. You didn't really understand the point I was trying to make to Moses back in the day, so I'm here to amend some shit, and also? I'm going to go ahead and forgive you for the shit you did wrong, mostly because you are all so GD (see? he abbreviated, no blasphemy - TOLD YOU he never sinned) judgy and I just can't take hearing you kids bickering for one more motherfucking minute, do you understand me?

"In return for how awesome I am and all the shit I'm doing for you, I want you to do some shit for me ...

1. Be nice, assholes. I mean it. Don't make me come back here again. I'm going to go ahead and come back to check on you one more time, and if you're still fucking up, you're in eternal time-out. If, by the time I get back, you've been kind and forgiving and followed my lead, we're going to go rock-and-roll with the angels and throw back some shots but never have hangovers and eat lots of ice cream but never get fat, plus? We're going to sleep on fluffy white clouds - and no diarrhea. Ever.

2. Don't eat meat on Fridays, but the rest of the time you can have pork. Bacon for everyone! (Six days out of the week, see official rules and disclaimers for details.)"

Then, Jesus left a dude in charge and told him to pass it on. Well, you know how that old slumber party game Telephone works, right?

Some wires got crossed through the years, and the "be nice" part has been a little twisted and not quite right, but most of us are at least trying to be good people. And then, almost 2,000 years later, the people in charge of the message decided, guess what?

You may eat meat on Fridays!! Yay, Jesus!

But not during Lent. You still have to abstain from meat on Fridays during Lent.

"We mean it," they said, and looked over the top of their glasses at the people.

And the people were all like, "Sooo ... no bacon on Lenten Fridays?"

Pope & Bishops: No bacon.

People: How about turkey? Turkeys are so dumb, they're practically vegetables anyway.

Pope & Bishops: No. No turkey.

People: Does broth count, because it's not really meat. It's just boiled marrow.

P&B: No. It doesn't count. Go ahead and have some broth. Bacon drippings also are acceptable.

People: Fish. Is fish meat?

P&B: *huddle* *whisper, whisper* *clear throats* No. Fish is not a meat. You may eat fish on Fridays during Lent.

People: *murmur, murmur, murmur*

Random Voice Yelling over Crowd: Does that include snakes?

P&B: You know what? Use your judgment. Is it really going to kill you to skip eating fucking snake on Fridays during the most religious 40 days of the year?

Random Voice: Well, I was just asking, because, like, a water mocassin or something is technically in the water and isn't a land animal, sooo ... ??

P&B: Well, you can't eat dolphins on Fridays, either. Got it? Jeez. Just fucking order a cheese pizza like everyone else on the planet. Are we done here?

People: What if we're old?

Other people: Or young?

Pregnant people: Or pregnant?

Sarah P: Take it off!

Lacto-ovo vegetarians: How about dairy and eggs? Honey?

Vegans: This is disgusting. You people are sinning against nature.

People: Shut the fuck up, vegans. Go back to Stonehenge and pray to trees, UC Berkeley grads.

P&B: All right, all right. ORDER! ORDER! Stop! Here are the rules going forward:

 1. You must abstain from eating meat on Fridays during Lent only.
 2. In answer to the vegetarians: you may eat eggs and dairy and honey, you hippie freaks, but you really should reconsider those Birkenstocks. Jesus only wore them because they were the only option in footwear at the time. Also? All that fornicating you call "free love" is not really in the rule books. You might want to cut that shit out.
 3. People 14 and older must abstain from eating meat on Fridays. Period.
 4. Yes, you can eat fish.
 5. Because you've all been so obstinate, you all must continue to fast on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday, and you can't have any meat products on those days. That counts for everyone ages 14 to 59 who are not pregnant or have any underlying health issues.

Furthermore, can we please just have one meeting where Sarah P. doesn't scream "Take it off?"

Sarah P: Woooot!

P&B: *sigh* We're done here.

People: Sarah. Did you have to yell "take it off?" Really? You totally got us those fast days. You're such an idiot.

Sarah P: But did you hear? We can have fish and dairy on Fridays during Lent. You know what that means, don't you?!?

People: *baited breath*

Sarah P: TUNA MELTS!!!!! Up top!! *Throws hand in air, waits for high fives all around*

People: *disgusted looks* *walking away*

Sarah P: Guys? Hey, guys ... guys ...? FINE. Nice forgiveness, assholes! Just so you know, I love Jesus most. I'm going to eat the shit out of some tuna melts, and I might even have a side of Utz potato chips and a pickle. Oh - and I'm totally going to appreciate it, just like you should. He died on a cross for us, you know! WWJD, assholes. WWJD?

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Sometimes, I start writing and weird stuff just happens.