Indian Jones and the Fire of Truth

This weekend has been a treasure trove of unexpected delight. Really, I need to get out of the house more, so I can witness awesomeness more frequently.

Yesterday, I watched a presentation by a Native American chief, a man who frequently gives talks and demonstrations at schools and camps. He was addressing a mixed audience of adults, children and older adults.

He lives his life as a Native American, which is totally cool and has to be really hard around here because I doubt he has any tribesmen. Also? As a point of interest, he has blue eyes and freckles and could totally be telling the truth about his ancestors, or could totally be making it up. Anyone's guess, really. But who would call him out?

At one point, he was to demonstrate fire-making, using ancient techniques created by Native Americans before Europeans came and introduced the flint-and-steel method still used today in the modern lighter. He said the method he would demonstrate is backed up by archeological evidence, and he would not claim anything to be true if not backed up by anthropologists.

The method, he said, has been used for 1.2 million years by those, if you believe in evolution, who are our ancestors, Homo Erectus. (Which? First of all, hahaha! And, secondly, is not quite accurate.)

Evolution, he continued, is really just a theory, anyway, "a best guess."

"I believe that there was some alien intervention there, kind of like in the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, where our ancestors were touched and given that spark, the ability to make tools and other things."

Hand-to-Bible, I thought he was kidding. By the confused look he gave me when I snort-laughed, I realized, nope, he 100 percent believes it. He is an incredibly convincing person. His demonstrations are compelling. He is charismatic and full of interesting information.

And? He believes aliens transformed apes to humans, and he has no qualms about sharing these beliefs with children.

Oh, how I love me some crazies. I certainly will peruse the newspaper calendar for future events held by the chief.

In other awesomeness:

I shit you not, the next two things I will tell you happened to me within an hour on Friday.

1. I went to a work event. The director of a local parks and rec program made a joke about her children, saying one knew how to ask for chocolate by 18 months. She said she had to nip that in the bud, for fear her second child would request marijuana brownies by age 2. #mynewbffandshedoesntevenknowit #thinkingofsendingherahaveanicedaybouquet #ormaybejustathankyounote #nahilljustbeuncomfortablyfriendlywithherfromnowon

2. I was on the phone with my mom, and she told me my much older relative, an adult who is twice divorced and newly single, has a boyfriend.

(Background: this relative had her teeth removed and replaced with dentures because she was genetically missing a bunch of teeth and she wanted a better smile. No, I'm not making it up. No, I had no idea that was the case until she told me she was having all her teeth removed, and I basically blew a gasket and rudely asked why the hell anyone would electively have all her teeth pulled out of her head. But in a totally respectful, non-cursey way that completely belied my horror at both her decision and her really freaky genetic condition that kept me up late inspecting the needlepoint family tree with a magnifying glass, searching for missing branches. She calmly explained nothing was wrong with her teeth. She just didn't think they were pretty.)

So, given the announcement that the cousin has a new boyfriend, I told my mom that I had guessed as much, because I spoke on the phone to said cousin on Easter. She told me she had a "friend" who rides motorcycles who was considering buying her a motorcycle. (I know.)

There was a lull in conversation, so I said what I thought we obviously were both thinking:

Me: I guess if, as a woman, you have all your teeth removed, men will buy you pretty much anything.

Mom: SARAH!


Me: What? You were thinking it.


Mom: *brushing it off lightly, trying to relate to me, thinking of a snappy joke* Well, I suppose women have to do that if they haven't reached my level.


Me: MOM! OMG, why would you say that to your daughter?!


Mom: *confused pause* What?


Me: OMG. I need to wash out my ears! That is so unbelievably gross and way, way worse than what I said.


Mom: I don't understand.


Me: *confused* Wait. What did you mean?


Mom: I was just being silly. I was saying that if a woman doesn't have all my positive qualities, she might need to resort to something like that. I was kidding.


Me: Oh.


Mom: Why? What did you think I meant?


Me: Nevermind.


Mom: What?


Me: Your response implied that you wouldn't need to have your teeth removed because your - um, skills? - are at such a distinctive level.


Mom: Sarah. Middlename. Lastname. You have a very dirty mind.


Me: *shameful* I know.

My poor mother. She's so well educated and sophisticated. She deserves a more wholesome daughter.